Loving and Loathing

Those two words sound like they're almost the same word, although I don't believe the etymology of one has anything to do with the other. And they're certainly opposites, aren't they? They popped into my brain while thinking of self-love and self-loathing, in terms of how I'm treating myself this past week. I don't loathe myself, per se, but I'm certainly not treating myself with much love. I guess disappointed is a better word - disappointed in how I'm treating myself and knowing that I'd never treat another person I loved the way I treat me. And if I'm to love myself, then why don't I deserve the same as I'd give another? Today I'm specifically talking about food. I've struggled for about 2 weeks with Weight Watchers and food in general. I'm eating things that aren't good for me, in mass quantities, and I feel bloated, run-down, tired and just plain miserable. Yesterday I woke up and said ENOUGH! - I am going to get back on track. And I did. Until 6pm. I was craving. Bad. I was by myself and didn't know what to do with myself. So I got into the car. I started going to drug stores. My sister and I have this obsession with shopping in drug stores. Seriously, we could spend 3 hours in one and spend hundreds of dollars on crap. (Don't ask - I don't get it either :) So I did go to Walgreens with intent to buy one particular item (which they had). I kept looking at all the junky food on the shelves. I made myself walk away and say no, you don't want that. Oh, but yes I did! I wanted it very badly. So now I'm craving and feeling deprived. Not good. I managed to get out of Walgreens with only $20 spent. I decided I wanted pizza. So I drove down to Gionnoni's in Westwood Village. Then I saw Rite Aid and decided I "needed" to go there. In all fairness, I did forget something I needed at Walgreens and picked it up. Was temped by stuff again, but got out of there with only $15 spent. Went next door for pizza. I wanted one slice, but wanted it with like 18 servings of pepperoni and cheese on it. I compromised and got canadian bacon, basil and fresh garlic. It was good and I enjoyed it, and it was dinner time. But now I wanted more of something else not good for me. And telling myself "well, you blew your WW points anyway, so what the hell." I drove around aimlessly for half an hour, not sure where the car was taking me. I settled on Cafe Ladro and as I was circling up from the south on Fauntleroy Way, past the ferry dock, I realized it was sunset and here was Lincoln Park. I thought maybe I should feed by soul rather than my belly. It was nice. I sat on a bench and felt the wind in my hair and watched the sun set over the mountains, smelling the beach smells and hearing the comforting sound of the Vashon Ferry taking off. Birds were singing. It was really quite nice. But still, it wasn't enough and I still ended up in Cafe Ladro. At least I came home and tracked all my points. And frankly, it was better than much of the week. I'm trying not to look at the day as a failure. I woke up today and decided to stay on track again. Considering it's 1pm and I've got 5 points left, that's unlikely. But I can do the best I can. My week starts up on Tuesdays usually (when I go to a meeting and weigh in), and I'll look at today as a dress rehearsal for tomorrow. A transition, if you will. "They" say awareness is half the battle. Well, I'm plenty aware of a lot of what I do - the eating for emotions, boredom, stress, etc. But that awareness doesn't ever seem to stop it, does it? I feel like there's some big key to the knowledge of the Universe that is escaping me. I feel like I'm too hard on myself sometimes, and other times not hard enough. I don't know what the hell I'm rambling about now, quite honestly. LOL! I guess I'm feeling trapped in that place of (self) loving and (self) loathing, like being stuck in quicksand and not sure whether to sink or swim. I want to swim. Honestly. But I think sometimes I forget how.