Simplicity, Integrity and Reality TV

I've been trying to find ways to simplify my life by cutting obligations and activities that no longer serve me. I've mentioned before, I think, that I've been a huge reality TV junkie, but I've recently realized that watching the lowest common denominator in some of these shows is not really in line with my integrity. One of the worst shows I've watched is called Big Brother. It's on 3 hours a week (an hour on 3 different nights) and in a nutshell, they basically lock a dozen or so strangers in a house, have cameras on the 24/7 and come up with tasks to publicly humiliate them, while they also do a pretty good job of doing it on their own as well. It used to be interesting in the beginning of the series - they'd have a wide cross-section of people that wouldn't normally interact, people of different generations and walks of life, and see what happens when you make them crazy and cut them off from the outside world. But in the last few seasons it's pretty much been people under 25 all trying to hook up with each other. (They are what the internet sites call "mactors" - model/actors rather than "real people." I grew up calling them "the beautiful people" - you know, the young, perfect California beach volleyball types with no imperfections whatsoever.) You can buy access to the 24/7 feeds on the interent where you can see the censored stuff they don't put on TV (one or two seasons ago, two contestants were having sex under the covers, and the audio/video of this was all over YouTube). Plus there are interent sites where, even if you don't buy the feeds, you can find someone with no life who will transcribe them verbatim, and other people with no life will read them. And yes, I would sit and read this stuff and suck it up like a sponge. Not to mention watching it 3 hours a week on TV. It's embarrassing to even admit this. So, this season I made the decision that I would not watch it ever again. It is not in line with my values, nor do I have the time or desire to focus on this anymore. So I would not watch it. Easy decision. Until I came upon the info that it was starting this coming Thursday. Now I feel like I'm missing something really BIG and feel this sense of grief at not watching this crap. It's sad, really. If I step outside myself and look at what's going on, it's rather interesting. I guess it was a mindless escape - makes my own life seem much calmer, much more manageable, much less insane. It's also voyeuristic. Change is also hard when it's something you've "always" done. Nobody's forcing me to not watch it; it's my own decision to do so. And nobody really cares whether I watch it or not. But it's interesting how I have this almost sense of panic over my decision! I guess this is one of the first steps I'm taking in this regard, to really come into my own in terms of integrity and simplicity. I'm making a personal statement that my time is worth more than this. I think some of the fear is the fact that I really haven't filled this hole with anything else. I have a lot of things I want to be doing, but I'm putting up a lot of blocks to it. I'm realizing a lot of it has to do with lack of confidence in myself, or even self-worth, about who I am and what I'm doing. It's hard to admit that. I've got some more to say on that, but I'll leave it for another time. No, I'm not going to watch Big Brother this season. I've made the decision and I'm sticking with it. The world won't end and I will find something meaningful to fill that time with instead because I am worth it. Or at least I'll keep telling myself that until it sinks in. :)