Financial Hauntings

It's only now that I'm in my mid-40s that I've got a handle on my finances. Or have I? In my earlier years (my late teens/20s), I had great issues with money. Money would leave my hands as fast as it arrived, and I was living greatly above my means. I never thought it was a problem; sure, I understood about the interest and fees and how my credit was costing me more than I had charged. But as long as I could make the minimum payment, there was no problem. (At least that's what I deluded myself into believing.) Even as I had charged up a year's salary of crap. I was spending money to make up for the self-worth I didn't have, to feel better, to treat friends, all things to prop me up in the world and make me a better person. Took a lot of therapy to undo a lot of that. I managed to rack up about $40,000 in debt at the time. Everyone told me to go bankrupt. Sure, I could've had some accountant finagle things so that I could qualify. But I did have ethics about money; I charged it, I would pay it. I went to a credit counselling service. Unfortunately, I didn't know about them what I know now, and they actually messed up my credit badly because while I was paying as agreed, certain credit cards put on my credit report that I was paying less than the amount I owed originally, so it showed me at 3 years with past due payments. It was awful. But I paid back every last cent and felt really good about that. And then, having learned no lessons about anything, I ran up another $50,000 in debt. So that is when I started going through the therapy stuff and learned why I did what I did. And I started paying things back and not charging stuff up. I met my partner during this time. He was very fiscally responsible. He had no debt. I was terrified as our relationship progressed, and we thought about marriage, because I had to admit to him the mess I was in. I was afraid he'd run for the hills. But I admitted it to him, and he understood. I swore to him never, ever would he pay a dime of what I owed to anybody else. In all the years we've been together, we keep our money entirely separate as a result. I want no chance of him taking over my debts; I was responsible for their creation and I will be solely responsible for their demise. So over the years he did lend me money to pay some stuff off - we run a spreadsheet with what I owe him (interest free) and I do take over some household expenses (like car payments) where he then deducts what I've "paid back" to him. I hadn't fully stopped charging things because we kept moving for one reason or another, and that always racked up some expected and unexpected expenses. So we've finally settled into one place with no intention to move (unless my landlord decides otherwise). We were doing very well with the finances. For about 2 years now I have accumulated no new debt. And I've played some mean balance-transfer roulette, getting $25,000 on a card at 4.9% for life. Things were going pretty well. My partner got a raise, a promotion and a bonus. We found out a week ago that he was also due to get something from his grandfather's estate. Despite the recession, we're in industries that are doing very well on the misfortune of others, so I haven't been particularly concerned with losing jobs or anything. The bills were being paid off. I was happy. Then we find out that my partner's company went into Chapter 11. I was concerned. He, having "drunk the kool-aid" kept telling me and everyone else that it was "business as usual" and that his job was safe. I wasn't so sure. I have inside information into what happens with that stuff, and it isn't always what they tell their employees. We keep on with out own "business as usual," paying down things as quickly as we can. And now we found out late yesterday that the "business as usual" with his company has now morphed into carving up the damn thing and selling it off to the highest bidder. Which means his job is in jeopardy because of the department he is in. Oh, that department is very much in demand, and will mostly stay together. But the problem is that he works remotely. They want that part of the company for their proximity to a certain industry . . . which is 3,000 miles from us. But he's gullible. He still things that they're telling him great things and all will be well. I think he's being gullible and idealistic. If they're selling off a division and want it intact, why would they tell people they're losing jobs so they can all flee and then the division isn't profitable to the new company? They're no dummies. So I'm worried. Very worried. I'm the type of person who takes in the crap of the world, whether it affects me or not. And this does affect me indirectly. And I'm worried for a friend who got a job in this company through my partner recently (although he tells me that our friend's job is probably far more secure than his own [in his opinion; we know nothing for sure] due to what he does - which I hope is the case, as he has a family to support). The last time my partner got laid off, he was out of work nearly 2 years. And now we're in a recession, so that doesn't bode well for him. I try to subscribe to the Law of Attraction - that which you worry about will happen because you've manifested it. I'm really trying not to worry. Honest. But it's hard. We're human, you know? When you are bombarded every day with the stories of people's hardship all around you, how can you feel secure? And honestly, it's hard not to feel annoyed by the fact that every time I seem to get ahead financially, something happens to mess that up. I know we won't end up homeless or starve to death. I know that - truly. During the long layoff last time (5 years ago) we learned we could live off a lot less than we thought we could. And while I've been in pay-down mode, I'll admit that money was still being spent a little more freely than it could have been -- too many meals out, too many lattes, etc. So that can be reigned in. For now, we're trying not to panic. We're looking at ways to start reigning in expenses now, without running scared. I'm trying not to focus on this. Yes, I know it doesn't seem like it, having just written a lengthy post bitching about it - LOL! But I feel like I need to purge it - I need to type about it and name my fears so that they can't control me. I need to be able to support him without him knowing how freaked out I am. So I will go to work each day and do the best job I can, earn my money, think more about how I spend it, and continue to pay things off. We'll manage, no matter what happens. Hopefully I will have nothing to worry about. I am going to work on manifesting abundance. Thanks for listening to my rantings.