Health/Life Balance

New Website!

2010-03-15T15:31:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all my readers who have joined me on my journey in the past - it's nice to know I haven't been talking to myself all along. :) I'm pleased to announce my new website is finally up and running at http://www.butterflybalance.com/ Please join me at the new Butterfly Balance website, which integrates this Health/Life Balance Blog along with information about Health Kinesiology and my energy healing practice. All the posts and comments from this blog have been transferred over there, and this blogger site won't be updated anymore. I look forward to seeing you over on the new site to continue our journey together! Sue

"New" "Natural" Sweetener (Which is Neither)

2010-02-16T13:32:00.000-08:00

I just read this really disturbing article about how the makers of aspartame (a/k/a Nutrasweet and Equal) is rebranding their product with a new name and under the guise of being a "natural sweetener."

Aspartame has been renamed and is now being marketed as a natural sweetener

Friday, February 12, 2010
by: Ethan Huff, citizen journalist

In response to growing awareness about the dangers of artificial sweeteners, what does the manufacturer of one of the world's most notable artificial sweeteners do? Why, rename it and begin marketing it as natural, of course. This is precisely the strategy of Ajinomoto, maker of aspartame, which hopes to pull the wool over the eyes of the public with its rebranded version of aspartame, called "AminoSweet".

Over 25 years ago, aspartame was first introduced into the European food supply. Today, it is an everyday component of most diet beverages, sugar-free desserts, and chewing gums in countries worldwide. But the tides have been turning as the general public is waking up to the truth about artificial sweeteners like aspartame and the harm they cause to health. The latest aspartame marketing scheme is a desperate effort to indoctrinate the public into accepting the chemical sweetener as natural and safe, despite evidence to the contrary.

You can read the rest of this article here.

I think one of the biggest problems is that the term "natural" is essentially useless these days. "Natural" makes me think of unprocessed, healthy things. But "natural" is just a buzzword that only wants to make you think those things so you'll buy whatever is being advertised to you.

We need to be so diligent in reading packages and ingredients and knowing what we're putting into our bodies. And saying no to "frankenfoods" that are nothing more than processed crap that end up causing all kinds of unthinkable diseases years after we've all become addicted to them.

I have not eaten an artificial sweetener for about 7 years now. But this post isn't about proselytizing to you to give them up also. What I want to do is educate people who think they are getting something supposedly healthy. Or the person who gave up aspartame/Nutrasweet and instead will get this "new" sweetener, AminoSweet, not realizing it's the exact same thing. Eat what you want to eat, but at least be educated on what it is. Or in this case, what it isn't.

Fighting Against the Greater Good

2010-02-15T14:37:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like a 3-year-old, kicking and screaming when she doesn't want to do what mommy wants her to do. Why does it often seem to be human nature to fight so furiously against the Greater Good. Or why we test something over and over again, hoping the results will be different, even though you know they never will? I just have to laugh at myself. I've been doing Health Kinesiology (HK) work on myself for about 2 years, and then almost every month I drive up to Vancouver, BC, to see my own Health Kinesiologist. One of my biggest health complaints in all this time has been my cough. I have a chronic, annoying cough - annoying to me and, no doubt, to anyone within earshot. I have some lung issues left over from being in Manhattan on 9/11. So I've been trying to use HK to fix my cough. One thing about HK is that we usually work within what we call "Body Priority" - using muscle testing, we test to see what the most pressing priority is for a person's body, and work on that first. And apparently, my cough has been a low priority for my body as I've been working on 2 years worth of other stuff. Issues that are very valid, and corrections that have been life-changing, but still, the cough causes me much grief. But I'll admit that I started wondering how I could tell people how great HK was when I couldn't even figure out a way to deal with my own cough. I started to lose confidence in myself, which is partly why I haven't been posting or doing anything towards opening my business. However, about two months ago something happened (I'll spare you the gruesome details) where I suspected that the cough had something to do with digestion and/or diet. I went to see my HK practitioner a month ago and mentioned this to her. Finally, my body said yes! It wanted to deal with my cough! But this was one of those "be careful what you wish for" moments. The dietary changes that came up were, let's say, challenging. This past month has been a fascinating blend of thrilling discovery, childish rebellion, success, failure and testing the results over and over again, only to acknowledge that my body was right the first time when it said what it wanted. Believe me, when I have to inform a client that their body is requesting some sort of difficult (for them) change, I've been there and can sympathize. I'll share more details soon.

Long Way From Minnesota

2010-02-15T14:02:00.000-08:00

Don't even ask how 3 months went by since that last post. I apologize to those of you following me. Nothing less interesting than a blog that never updates itself. I promise to remedy that! I did survive my trip to Minnesota without the rental car. Had fun with my classmate, and had the benefit of having the best chinese food I've had since leaving New York, which wouldn't have happened if I wasn't sitting in an airport hotel near Minneapolis and happened to have a Seattle friend (who is from Minneapolis) share the name with me on Facebook. Ah, the wonders of the internet! :) I learned a lot of great stuff in my HK5 class and am looking forward to sharing it with clients. Looks like HK6 might happen in June. I don't know yet if my friend with the car will be attending that class, but at least I now know I can handle giving up some control and have it work out just fine!

Minnesota Revised, and Giving up Control

2009-11-06T13:50:00.000-08:00

I'm headed back to Minnesota in a week to take the next level (#5) of my Health Kinesiolgy classes. This class will be in a new place, as the other hotel in Monticello is being renovated, so now I'll be getting a close-up view of Albertville, home of the outlet mall. This is the first time I won't be renting a car there, which is a little unsettling since I am giving up some control. A classmate who has to pass through Minneapolis on the way to class had suggested that I fly into Minneapolis (as usual), stay at an airport hotel the first night, then she'll pick me up in the morning on class day and drive me to Albertville (for 3 nights in that hotel), and then drop me back to the airport hotel the night that class ends and I'll get the airport shuttle to my flight the following morning. It was very generous of her to offer - saves me almost $400 in both rental car fees and the difference between those 2 nights in Albertville and 2 nights at the airport hotel. I'm very grateful for that, given our tight financial situation right now. The trip is expensive enough as usual. But now I have to rely on this friend to take me for all my meals. I do like her very much, and we willingly spent our meals together on the last class, but there's something about relinquishing total control that is not fully comfortable. This is where my husband would tell me I'm a control freak. :) I don't think it's so much "control freak" as always having to rely on myself for everything. So you get used to not relying on others. It's probably a great lesson for me to rely on someone else and have it go well so that I can learn to trust others more and ask for what I need. At least once I get rid of the anxiety of the situation. :) I'm sure it'll all work out fine.

Back to the Gym

2009-11-05T17:37:00.000-08:00

I knew it had been a long time since I'd been at the gym, but until I went last Saturday and looked at my workout log, I had no idea that it was 3-1/2 months since I'd been there! Wow!

Definitely not my intention. First I was having issues with my foot and in physical therapy and then I hurt my shoulder and then I got very busy. Finally, I got incredibly lazy.

It always amazes me because I really *love* going to the gym. So I don't know why it's so hard te get back when I've taken a break. I guess I'm like many other people who just don't take the time to do things for themselves. Seems kinda ironic to be searching for balance, and yet not even doing some basic self-care, like exercise.

Tomorrow I plan on going back and it'll be the third time in a week I've been there. Tuesday night was hard because I left the gym with a cramp in my calf that no amount of stretching would fix. Fortunately, it seems to have calmed down. I'll just continue to be gentle with myself, working out, but not doing too much to start out.

How is everyone else doing with fitness these days?

Pedestrian Safety

2009-11-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

Now that the clocks have gone back an hour, it's nearly dark when I get home, and definitely dark if I stop for an errand somewhere. I've decided that West Seattle drivers are hell-bent on killing pedestrians at night, so I usually carry a small LED flashlight to make myself seen, especially for a day like yesterday when I'm trying to cross California Avenue for a bus when there's no light. Not working very well. So today I was at the drugstore and saw Glow Sticks from Life Gear Company. You push the button once and it is a flashlight. Push it again and it lights up entirely like a glow stick. Push it a third time and it starts flashing. And then if that's not enough, the end is a whistle! The website lists them at $6, but Bartell Drugs in Seattle has it for $4.99. Can't wait to try it out!

This is Just a Moment; It's Not the Rest of Your Life

2009-11-03T13:04:00.000-08:00

I was sitting on the bus this morning, reading O (Oprah) Magazine and saw this article/interview by actress Julianna Margulies (probably best known as Carol Hathaway in the ER TV series). She was talking about a particularly stressful event with her baby being up in the middle of the night, and the message really resonated with me:

"I worked myself into a complete state of anxiety about how I wasn't going to get enough sleep, how I was going to be late for work, how I'd be tired when I got there . . . all of which only made things worse. And just then, I heard my mother's voice in my head saying what she'd always told me: Honey, this is only a moment; it's not the rest of your life."

Here is the link to the entire article. For me, it can be easy to get overwhelmed with the "what ifs." Something will happen, and I'm immediately 6 steps ahead, usually not in a positive light, about what can happen from a given incident, which only exacerbates the panic about the situation at hand. But this reminded me that it doesn't have to be that way - sometimes it really is that moment in time. And we're all pretty resilient, aren't we? So what if the "worst case scenario" really happens. Most of us can bounce back from that and figure out what to do. Why waste time worrying about what hasn't even happened yet? Maybe if we put more attention into what is happening now and acting on it (rather than reacting to it), we can prevent those worst case scenarios in the first place. It's certainly not an easy practice. But I definitely want to start trying to live more in the moment and not worry about what has happened before, what will happen in the future, and what the current events say about either of them. Just live in the hear and now. Are you with me?

Technical Difficulties

2009-10-13T21:03:00.001-07:00

I finally figured out how to transfer my blog from Blogger to Typepad, which was a daunting process since it involved editing my Blogger templates and settings before importing. However, everything that came in had the same exact posting date (yesterday) and times. And most of the paragraph spacing was gone.

Deep breath. Not a big deal, I decided. I fixed all the dates on every post, which was tedious, and decided to ignore the wrong timestamps. And I fixed maybe half a dozen posts in terms of paragraph spacing and will get to the rest if and when I decide it's important to do so.Ultimately, it's the content that's important, right? It's just the secretary in me that cringes at bad formatting. I'll get over it!

I'm cross-posting this on my Blogger blog and will let you know when the new site goes live and transitions over there. I'll be away this weekend, so not sure if I'll get to it before then. We'll see.

Regrouping

2009-10-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

I'm really sorry I haven't posted here in over a month. I've been on quite a journey since I've last posted. I've had some life-changing experiences since I last posted. And I'm still trying to process them and how to begin even expressing here what has been going on. It's all good - scary, because change can be scary, but nothing bad has happened to keep me away. I got some advice recently from a trusted mentor and friend to go public on this blog and link it to my healing business website and post it on Facebook. The re-invented healing website is a work in process. I wanted to bring everything over to Wordpress, since their themes would work better for me. But Wordpress apparently is the most non-intuitive website on the planet. I am an intelligent woman who is rather computer savvy, and I am struggling with it. I finally figured out how to import this Blogger site into Wordpress . . . except it won't work. Apparently someone already has the healthlifebalance site there, and when I selected a new name (which is what I wanted all along), it won't let me import from this user name to a different one over there. So I'd have to manually convert everything over, which isn't gonna happen, people! :) So, I'm going to somehow create the professional business site and then link to this blog here and leave it just as it is. So all of this creating is a work in progress right now, as is my life. I will work on this and try to be back very soon with some better direction and content. I know I find it frustrating when I follow blogs and then the blogger disappears, so I'm not going to do that. Please bear with me! Hope you all have a wonderful day! Edited to add: Now I know why I struggled so with Wordpress - that wasn't she recommended. :) More to come soon!

Changes

2009-08-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

A lot of our suffering is resistance to the life of feeling. If you surrender, you are surrendering to what is really going on. This is just to notice that nothing beyond your life is more important than your life. -- John Tarrant

My husband lost his job on Monday. Changes, indeed! The layoff was totally unexpected, and when he called me mid-day, I spent the rest of the day pretty much hyperventilating and having a panic attack. Fortunately I got myself together, remembered some acupressure points for stress which one could do while hiding in the work bathroom, and nobody at work had any idea anything was going on with me (so they told me on Tuesday when I told them our news). We've been through this before, when he was laid off in August 2001, and would then be out of work for 18 months. Things were very hard during that time, but somehow it all came together. So I know we can do it. We're actually in a much better financial position than we were then (although still not comfortable enough to go down to a one paycheck family). I sat with it a lot, thinking about why I panicked so much, and how I could go forward with my thinking on this. Okay, worst case scenario would be that we starve to death, living on the street. Will that happen? Of course not. We have family and friends who can help if we needed it, and I don't even anticipate needing to call on those favors for quite some time. He's got 2 months of severance pay coming, plus some unused vacation paid out, and then his unemployment insurance should pay his share of our common living expenses. We've needed to cut back on things like eating out, so now we've got some incentive to do so, that's all. The more I pay my own credit card bills with my own saved money (from cutting back), the lower they get and the lower the minimum payment will be, if I have to resort to paying only minimums to get by. I think part of what panicked me initially was the fact that in 3 weeks I'm flying to Minnesota and Wisconsin for another HK class, followed by a mentoring retreat with an old, dear friend. This trip is going to cost me a small fortune, and I didn't really have it to begin with, but I decided it was an investment in me and worth doing. So now I'm feeling a little (okay, a lot) less sure about that decision and spending the money. But the plane ticket is nonrefundable anyway, and I figured okay, let's just do it. I had planned on going back to Minnesota several times in the next year for continuing classes. I think I had posted about that, and how I was willing to go into debt for it because it would be working towards a career change. So now I don't now what will happen with that, giving the layoff, but I don't have to make that decision right now. And if I decide to go back in November/December (as originally planned) for the next class, it doesn't mean I have to commit to going back in January/February or so for the next one. One day at a time, as they say. After all, he could find an amazing job next week. Who really knows what the Universe has in store for us. Of course, I've got a MegaMillions ticket burning a hole in my pocket (up to $325 million now) for a drawing tonight - winning that would be good too. :) I'm almost a little surprised at how quickly I made peace with this. He seems to have too. We're not going to panic (anymore) and will see where this takes us. The good news is that he's no longer working at a job that had a stress level that was detrimental to him (in my opinion). He's got time to breathe and regroup. It'll all be as it's supposed to be.

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well. – Dame Julian of Norwich

Ten Thoughts on Whole Living

2009-08-22T17:00:00.000-07:00

I was in my home office today, looking at the stuff I have up on the walls. Everything in there is there for some significant reason, but it's easy to get involved in life and forget to look at any of it. Today I was reminded of this wonderful list, which I tore out of Body and Soul Magazine over a year ago. These still resonate with me, and I wanted to share them here with you.

Ten Thoughts on Whole Living, by Terri Trespicio
1. When you commit your dreams to paper, you give them a place to take root. 2. Be mindful of where you put your attention. The shape of your life will follow. 3. When you view your health as non-negotiable, your priorities naturally shift. 4. Positive change starts with truth, and no one knows it better than you. 5. You're more than just what you do for others. 6. Before you react to an emotion, first consider its source. 7. Learning to let go begins with understanding why you've been hanging on. 8. Do more than understand stress reduction, put it into practice. 9. There's no way to grow without taking a few risks. 10. Setting boundaries doesn't keep others out. It defines where your life begins.

Excuses Begone!

2009-08-08T22:34:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I was bored, flipping TV channels, and came across this show on PBS which was a lecture from this fascinating man. I came into the middle of it, so I had no idea who he was, but I gathered that he was talking about excuses that we make that limit us, and how to overcome them. I was really interested in it, but the 20 minute pledge drive breaks made me fall asleep (literally) and I slept through half of the presentation. But at one point, after watching (and periodically napping) for a while, I finally heard his name - Wayne Dyer. I've been aware of him for a while, but I had never seen him, which is why I had no idea who he was. His new book, and the subject of this PBS special, is called Excuses Begone! I recorded it today in its entirety - if you can find it on PBS near you, I recommend watching it. Don't let the 3 hour length intimidate you - when I cut the pledge drive breaks out of the final DVD recording, it was only 1 hr. and 40 min! You can read more about this book at his website, http://www.drwaynedyer.com/ . You can download a pdf of the 18 excuses and his suggested affirmation that counteracts each excuse here. I wanted to share them here too because they're not only informative, but beautiful to look at and contemplate. I think I'll also do some individual posts as I have time that will reflect on each of these excuses and how they resonate with me. I'm willing to bet that most of us have thought of some (or all) of these from time to time.

Lost

2009-08-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

For the handful of you who actually read my blog, I apologize that I haven't been posting as regularly lately. Mostly it's because I've been feeling very lost and didn't feel like posting nothing but whining. :) Actually, I don't even know if it would've been whining. I don't think I really knew what to say. And that doesn't make for very interesting blogging. :) I feel like I'm going through this huge shift. I know I've been doing a lot of energy work on myself and with my own practitioner, but I think it's more than that. I didn't end up going to church for a month (which is really rare for me) because I was just feeling so disconnected from Spirit and life and everything. I've been doing a lot to sabotage myself, and have been aware of it, but felt unable to control doing it. It's been weird. I've been trying to revive my meditation practice. I feel as if I need to stop and listen to what's going on for me, and maybe get the answers from there. It's really hard to describe, and I know I'm doing a poor job of it. Re-reading this, it sounds like I'm describing depression, but that's not it. I think what's happening is that I'm in a state of transition in many ways - physically, mentally and emotionally, and sometimes change is hard. It's often easier to shut down and run away than to deal with the change, even if it's good change. When I start to ignore self-care and eat poorly and don't take good care of myself, it's a way of shutting myself down. I deserve better than that. I'm working on it. So bear with me, please, if I sound a bit disjointed. I think it's all for the greater good, and I've just got to work some stuff out. I've got stuff I want to chat about here, but haven't had the energy to get into with the heat, on top of all of this. It'll all work out. :)

Survivor's Guilt

2009-08-06T10:45:00.001-07:00

I had no idea that one could have survivor's guilt for owning an air conditioner. But yes, it's possible. :) Seattle is recovering from record high temperatures. It had never been over 100 degrees before last week, when it hit 103 (or 104, depending on who you ask) last Wednesday. And the temps were between 80 and 100 for a long period of time. That doesn't sound very bad, except for the fact that I read that 85% of Seattle residents don't own air conditioners. And most of our public transportation does not have it as well. That was driven home when I got stuck in afternoon Mariner game traffic for an hour on a bus with no a/c, the temp outside being over 100 degrees, and no breeze in the bus because it wasn't moving due to traffic. Not fun. I would come into work each day, and all my coworkers were getting kinda crazy as the week went on. Nobody was sleeping, and were sharing war stories about what high temperature it was in their house, what tricks they had to staying cool (my favorite was the wet t-shirt in the freezer), and how sleep-deprived and miserable they were all. Then they'd turn to me and say "so, how are you holding up." That's when I would look down, as if ashamed, and admit that we have air conditioning. We were lucky that the house we rent happened to come with one unit in the livingroom and one in the bedroom. It's been a godsend, let me tell you. I didn't want to gloat about having a/c, and I tried to keep it to myself, because I felt so incredibly guilty. It was funny, actually, how guilty one could make themselves feel for having an air conditioner while the rest of the city suffered. It was interesting to live such a simple life that week, though. Since so many restaurants didn't even have a/c, we became hermits. It was really too hot to go wandering the streets any long distance, so we stayed at home. Cancelled plans. Decided to actually eat food we had in the house instead of going out to eat or buying something more *fun*. And I realized that I liked living this slowed-down, simple life. I want to incorporate more of that in my day-to-day living. Today I'm enjoying some below-normal temperatures. It's overcast and 66 right now and I'm loving every minute of it. Time to stop feeling guilty and get outside and seize the day!

Asking For What You Want - Cocreating With the Universe

2009-07-17T15:06:00.001-07:00

I know I've said it before, but I love the Daily Om emails that I get (and which I have automatically posted on this site on the right). This one particularly spoke to me and I wanted to share it here:

Asking for What You Want Cocreating with the Universe Most people don’t always fully realize that we all have within us the ability to cocreate our lives with the universe. So many of us are taught to accept what we are given and not even to dream of anything more. But our hopes and dreams are the universe whispering to us, planting an idea of what’s possible while directing us toward the best use of our gifts. The universe truly wants to give us our hearts’ desires, but we need to be clear about what they are and ask for them.
To ask for something does not mean to beg or plead from a place of lack or unworthiness. It’s like placing an order—we don’t need to beg the salesperson for what we want or prove to them that we deserve to have it. It is their job to give us what we ask for; we only have to tell them what we want. Once we have a clear vision of what we desire, we simply step into the silent realm where all possibilities exist and let our desires be known. Whatever methods we use to become still, it is important that we find the quiet space between our thoughts.
From that still and quiet place, we can announce our intentions to the pure energy of creation. By imagining all the details from every angle, including scent, color, and how it would feel to have it, we design our dreams to our specifications. Similar to dropping a pebble into a pond, the ripples created by our thoughts travel quickly from this place of stillness, echoing out into the world to align and orchestrate all the necessary details to bring our desires into manifestation. Before leaving this wonderful space to come back to the world, release any attachment to the outcome and express gratitude. By doing this daily, we focus our thoughts and our energy while regularly mingling with the essence that makes it possible to build the life of our dreams.

Choices, Assumptions, Realizations and Goals

2009-07-16T15:11:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in a previous post that I had been in the East West Bookshop in Bothell and bought some used books. One of them was deeply discounted because it was highlighted, so it cost me $2 instead of the $12 list price; in fact, the cashier said they weren't even supposed to take the book to resell because of the highlighting, but the book was in such good condition otherwise that she took a chance. Apparently it had been on the table for an hour when I came by and snatched it. The book is Your Money or Your Life: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin. I'd heard of this book a few times, most recently during our church Simplicity Circle, and a personal friend (also involved in that circle) had recommended it. Seems fitting that I'd get a book on "financial independence" for a $10 discount. :) This book has been really amazing. I've done a lot of work on finances and debt and spending and simplicity, so some of this was preaching to the choir and/or reinforcing what I've already known and done. But some of it was such an entirely different way of thinking of money and energy and really got me thinking. And excited about some of the things that were coming up as I got in touch with my thoughts about finances and working and life. I've spent a lot of my life in debt. I'm still in debt, and for a significant amount still. Like half my annual salary (if we exclude the new car loan). The good news is that I'm now living within my means, and have been for the past two years - I have not incurred any new debt in that time that I have not paid off at the end of the month. And I'm paying more than minimums for my debt. Not much more, but more. And all my debt is at very low interest (6.9% or less), so I am grateful for that. So, here's the thing. While it's really fantastic that I don't go deeper into debt, I could be doing a much better job of getting out of it. I spend way too much money still. Doesn't matter that I can afford to pay it all off. I've still got that albatross of debt hanging over my head. Some of the things I spend money on monthly are truly necessities - like rent and utilities - but there are things I don't need and/or could cut down on. Eating out, for instance. We spent WAY too much money eating out. Most of it is for boredom's sake, or laziness. Convenience, I guess. Hey, that's fine from time to time. But it's become way too much of the norm. A friend and I were talking this morning about this, and she was saying how eating out became less "special" when it became routine. She's right! There's no excitement to a meal out anymore (other than the excitement that I don't have to cook it or clean up after it). And you can't say that I don't fill my house with convenience foods - our freezer is full of quick-to-heat things from Trader Joe's, for instance. So I really could have dinner on the table in less than 20 minutes, even if I had to boil water for a pasta side dish. Part of me feels like if I don't eat out, I will feel deprived. But I started to reframe that today, and realized that every dollar I spend eating out is one less dollar I can't pay to my debt. And every month that I do not get out of debt is one more month I have this debt haunting me, reminding me of past problems and issues. So what if I start making the choice to not eat out as often because I am making the choice to pay my bills faster? Take lattes, for example. I never drank coffee, ever, back in New York. But for some reason I am a latte junkie here. I have one at least 5 days a week. It costs me $4.30 and I usually leave the $0.70 as a tip. So that's $5 a day. Times 5 days a week. Times 52 times a year. That's $1,300 a year, not counting any snacks I might also buy along with the latte, or any lattes I might have on weekends. Wow. So part of me justified that because Antoinette, the barista at the coffee shop in our atrium at work, is one of the most positive, sweetest people I've ever met. She remembers everyone, and everything about them. I go to see her and she is just beaming. Not too many people do that when I see them. It's nice to be welcomed and fawned over and given this steaming hot cup of rice milk and espresso. But then I realized that if I walk down to the atrium to read a book at lunch (like I did today), and pass Antoinette, she still calls my name and waves and smiles and wishes me a good day. No purchase required. Hmmm . . . So I decided this week that I was going to stop having lattes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. That simple act of skipping 2 days would save over $500 a year!! So rather than look at it as deprivation that I didn't get a latte today, I decided to look at it as financial freedom - it's $5 closer to getting out of debt. I'm in this line of work that just sucks the life out of me. I am not happy. As this book referred to it, I'm "making a dying" as opposed to "making a living." Very true. If I hit the lottery, I'd quit in a nanosecond. What would I rather be doing? Health Kinesiology (I've taken 3 levels now and just scheduled level 4 for September) and Reiki (I'm already attuned for level 2 of that and can practice it) and other alternative health pursuits. When I'm working with a client, I stop looking at the clock, and I'm filled with joy. But my assumption has always been that I "can't" quit my "day job" (the one that's not a joy) because "I can't afford it." Well, that got me to thinking about how much a year I pay to pay off debt. I pulled out my PDA and used the calculator, and the amount was staggering. If I didn't have the debt, I could easily earn half my salary, and I could live quite well on it. It was really quite the revelation. Then I figured out, if I charged $X a session and had X clients, how much would I make. And it pretty much came out to around the same figure as what I have left when I ignore the money I paid to debt!! This was a huge realization for me. And got me very excited. Because suddenly, I realized that I mostly likely could support myself with my passion, not what I'm doing now. My current line of work would be able to be done through a temporary agency too, if I ever wanted to supplement my income from other things. But, to get to this point, I need to get out of debt. I will be 50 in 4 short years. I have decided that my goal is that all my debt will be paid by then, if not far sooner. I am going to reevaluate what I spend, and what value I get from it. I can probably pay it in 2 years, but I want to have a realistic goal. Your Money or Your Life talks about how money is energy, and how our life is energy, and we're trading our life energy when we make these financial decisions. Is that latte worth how long it takes me to work for the money for it? When I think of the alternatives, it really isn't. I'm not going to slash my budget insanely and go into deep deprivation mode. I'm going to take baby steps, keeping my eye on the prize - my financial independence from this job. And a time when I can walk away and do what I'm passionate about. Naturally, I'll have to work on that new career simultaneously, but it can be done. I'm already doing some work with that. Interestingly, in my HK1 class, my teacher used me as a demonstration for something called Adjunctive: Work. This is asking the body questions (using muscle testing) about a particular thing (Work, Play, Sleep and/or Rest, in this case), and when we worked up the Work category, she said that my body's energy wanted to work part time. I balked at that at the time, it simply couldn't be done. But I'm starting to open myself up to the possibilities. Right now, no, it's not possible. Well, I guess it is, but I'm choosing not to because I want money to pay these debts down quickly. But it's nice to have options. And it's nice to know that my body was telling me all along the things that my brain is starting to catch up to. :) This is a work in progress; I don't have all the answers. It also won't resolve itself overnight. But I'm feeling optimistic now. I have choices I can make. I am realizing that my assumptions were incorrect. I've got some goals. I feel good about all of that!

Smiles for $3.99

2009-07-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

I bought this little container of mini roses at Trader Joe's for $3.99. It's the best $3.99 I've spent in a long time. Every time I look at it, it makes me smile. I have it here at my office, and every time I walk by the ledge it's on, I stop to smell it. They're so delicate and tiny - that largest bloom in the front is only about 1-1/2" wide, maybe 2" at most. Everyone smiles when they see it and they ask about it. I figured that even if they don't last long, the joy I get from them is still worth the money!

The Ritual of Treatment

2009-07-08T10:12:00.000-07:00

A friend shared this article on Facebook today, and I had some comments I wanted to make about it but didn't want to get into on Facebook. The article is here, but I'm going to cut and paste it into this entry since links don't last forever.

June 30, 2009 Losing a Comforting Ritual: Treatment By DANA JENNINGS
For those who have never been seriously ill, treatment often seems cut and dried. You get sick, you get treated and, in theory, you get better. One day you’re a patient, the next you’re not. Simple, right?
Well, sometimes it’s more complicated than that. As I was being treated for an aggressive prostate cancer this past year — surgery, hormone therapy, radiation — I experienced an unexpected side effect: post-treatment letdown. It tended to arrive right as a cycle of treatment was ending. It snuggled up against its old friend uncertainty and whimpered, “So, what’s next?”
None of us want to be sick, be obliged to take our medicine. But we are also creatures who love habit and ritual, and medical treatment is a very structured exercise that plays to that craving. When I had radiation for about two months last winter, it began to feel as familiar as a job. I knew the names of the hospital parking attendants and the receptionists. The nurses, doctors and therapists all smiled and said hello, and I did the same.
Each day I arrived at radiation oncology, checked in, got my hospital bracelet, changed into a drafty gown, then waited with my fellow patients — my colleagues in cancer — to be treated. Once a week, my weight, blood pressure and temperature were taken and I met with my radiation oncologist. I had become a regular at the radiation spa, had even learned to artfully jiggle the key in the stubborn locker doors. Then it was over.
Which is a good thing. But even though it was a relief to be done with the radiation, it still felt like getting fired or laid off. For two months I was the subject of intense attention by the medical staff. And there was the professional yet intimate laying on of hands each day as I was positioned just so in the TomoTherapy machine.
For 33 sessions, it seemed then, radiation oncology and I were infatuated with each other. But as I got dressed after that last session and then made my final goodbyes, suddenly we were “just friends.” And there was no shortage of patients to take my place.
We patients know that not having treatment is a sign of progress. But sometimes having treatment, doing something, is easier than the uncertainty, than the waiting. It’s like being stuck in a traffic jam and taking the first exit that comes up just to keep moving. When treatment ends, it’s just you and your mutinous body warily thrown back on each other.
I noticed a similar letdown when I returned to work late last summer after my radical open prostatectomy in July. For seven weeks, my only goal was to recover from surgery. My days were measured in naps and in languid laps around the block, in Percocets and the draining of my catheter. The world’s worries were not my worries. If I couldn’t see it out my bedroom window, it didn’t concern me.
And because I was recovering from cancer surgery, and because I already knew that I would need additional treatment once I healed from the operation, I reveled in the most minute of details: the black pads of my dog’s feet as smooth as a baseball glove, the wet-cellar smell of a vintage science fiction paperback, fireflies winking and waning at dusk.
Pierced by a keen sense of my own mortality, I was much more interested in discerning the small miracles embedded in each moment than I was in catching the 9:03 Midtown Direct to Penn Station. And there was a part of me that was disappointed when the time came to once again catch that city-bound train.
Don’t get me wrong. I was glad I felt well enough to return to work, glad that I felt strong enough to navigate the hurly-burly of New York City. But in returning to work, I was also trading in a certain depth of perception. Cancer and surgery had slowed me down, made me look and listen, smell and touch with the eagerness of an explorer entering uncharted territory. Midtown Manhattan doesn’t quite encourage that kind of dawdling. These days — four months out from my last hormone treatment and five months from my last radiation session — I don’t feel so much let down anymore as a bit confused about how to refer to the status of my health.
I am still a cancer patient, still being monitored. I might even still have cancer, but then again I might not. One day I’m a patient, and maybe the next I’m not. And on that day, I guarantee you, I won’t feel let down at all.
Dana Jennings is a reporter and editor at The New York Times. His postings on coping with prostate cancer appear each week at nytimes.com/well.

This article really spoke to me because of something that happened very recently. Well, a few things. I'm not a cancer patient, but I've had a number of chronic illnesses that keep flaring up. Or new variations. Like my continual need for physical therapy of some sort. I've developed quite the relationship with my physical therapist. It's amazing how you can pay someone to torture you like that, and yet still smile when you see them. I know everyone there, and they're familiar faces. I'm going right now for my plantar fasciitis (first time I've been there in about 18 months), and we're doing essentially the same thing we did last time for the other foot/leg. So I know the drill. I know he will hurt me, but he always makes me laugh - he has gotten to know me well enough to know just what to say to get me laughing so I won't notice the pain as much. He's the best physical therapist I've ever had. I love that he gets results. But when it's over, I feel this sense of grief. Gratitude that I'm better, yes, but I miss him. I miss the staff. I miss the familiarity of the routine of going there. Sometimes I'll run into him at the coffee shop in the lobby (we're in the same building) and we'll chat, but it's not the same. I miss him. So when I had to start going there last week, it was with an odd combination of dread (that my pain had gotten to the point where I had to do this) and yet excitement at seeing him again. I never really thought about this until reading this article, and now it makes perfect sense! The other thought is how last month I was taking a course in Health Kinesiology (HK) which is an alternative modality where we balance the energy system when things stress it, keeping our bodies from healing naturally. One of the corrections we learned is called "Being/Not Being." To explain it simply, it's essentially when something stresses us from being X and also not being X. For instance, if you were working on Being Angry and Not Being Angry, both of those states are stressing you out energetically - because you really need to be one or the other, and if both stress you out, you don't have many options. So I was the guinea pig on the table with the teacher for teaching this correction to the class. We use muscle testing to get the appropriate word that the body needs, and word that came up for me was "hypochondria" which means we were working with Being Hypochondria and Not Being Hypochondria. ("HK English" isn't always very grammatically correct, FYI). The class looked very confused by this phrase, but we did the correction for it. Then the teacher asked if the phrase meant anything to me, because it didn't mean anything to her either. I smiled because it made perfect sense, and for much the same reason as why this article touched me. For a very long time I've had this unintended identity as a handicapped/disabled/sick/injured person. I've got a handicapped permit. I've spent many months out of work over the years on disability. There always seems to be "something" going on with me. It becomes comfortable. And there are certain benefits to it. I get close parking spots. I can make people get up on the bus if I chose to so I can have a seat. I've had weeks at a time off work. People dote on me. While you don't want to be sick, who really doesn't want to be cared for? Have breakfast brought to them in bed? Have someone say "you poor thing" and do stuff for you? I'm independent and on some level I don't want that, but there are other parts of me that really does like it. I'll admit it. But at the same time, I hate it. I hate having things wrong with me, and I sometimes wonder if these things keep coming up because I expect them to. It's almost like I've lost faith in my own abilities to do certain things or stay healthy. Some people have inferred that I'm being a hypochondriac about my illnesses. Sometimes I feel like it as well. So is it any wonder that this "Being Hypochondria" and "Not Being Hypochondria" resonated with me and is stressing me out energetically? I guess I need to remind myself that while yes, there can be some odd benefits to being ill, there are far more benefits to being well. I want to be that well person, and I want that to be my identity. It's a much nicer way to live, I think. And I'd rather people dote on me because they care about me, not because they feel sorry for me. :)

My Own Personal 4K Walkathon

2009-07-06T15:58:00.000-07:00

I've spent a lot of time in pain these last few years, most notably from a year of leg pain following my knee surgery. Well, pain and weakness. Not a fun combination. I can see evidence of the great imbalance in weakness and strength when I go to the gym - where I can do a leg curl machine at 65 pounds, and the opposite motion on a leg extension machine at 5 pounds (and struggling). That's an eye-opener. Plus, I'm back in physical therapy as of last week for my plantar fasciitis - ignoring it for 6 months didn't make it any better, so I thought I'd let the PT torture me a bit. :) So on the Friday of this long weekend we decided to go to Alki Cafe here in West Seattle for breakfast. After breakfast, we thought we'd walk along the path at Alki Beach for a while. We just kept walking and talking and at some point realized that I had walked the longest I had walked since before my surgery (which was late 2007)! There are certain trees and stairways down to the water that we tend to use as landmarks. I was very pleased at that. On Saturday we were driving aimlessly through West Seattle, having fun, and found ourselves up at the beach. I have this fantasy of walking one day from the Alki Cafe to Duwamish Head, the northernmost point of West Seattle. It seems so far. So when we hit Duwamish Head in the car, I asked if he would hit the trip odometer to zero so we could see the distance from Duwamish Head to the place where I ended my walk the previous day. I was absolutely shocked when I asked him to pull over and realized it was only 0.3 miles to that point! Did I really almost make it to my goal? And then I thought how far did I actually walk? So we reset to zero again and continued back to the Alki Cafe and found out that I had walked (round trip) nearly 2-1/2 miles! Both of us were in shock! But a good kind of shock. And the best part? I was not in pain!! Usually I walk that far and then I really regret it - I'll be halfway back to my starting point and get shooting pains somewhere. But not that day. And not even the next day! No Aleve chasers required like when I usually overdo things. Back in May there was the first annual West Seattle 5K Walk/Run that I really wanted to do (walking) . But I chickened out. I don't think I even mentioned it here, because if I did I'd have to be accountable, and it was easier to back out when nobody knew I was thinking of it. Yes, my foot was really bothering me then, but I really didn't have faith that I could do it and didn't feel like failing. Maybe next year, I thought. So to find out that I came very close to completing a 5K walk on my own, and in a much shorter amount of time than I'd imagined, that was huge! I just did the math, and essentially I did a 4K walk. Too bad I don't get the commemorative t-shirt for that - LOL! So it looks like, before summer is over, I'll make my 5K goal of walking to Duwamish Head. This link from the 5K walk/run is a map of that walk, if you're interested. It really makes me optimistic that the tide is turning in terms of my health and wellness, which would be very exciting. And if a woman in her mid 40s with multiple health problems and nearly 300 pounds can do this, I think almost anyone can work up to this.

Simplicity, Integrity and Reality TV

2009-07-05T18:22:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to find ways to simplify my life by cutting obligations and activities that no longer serve me. I've mentioned before, I think, that I've been a huge reality TV junkie, but I've recently realized that watching the lowest common denominator in some of these shows is not really in line with my integrity. One of the worst shows I've watched is called Big Brother. It's on 3 hours a week (an hour on 3 different nights) and in a nutshell, they basically lock a dozen or so strangers in a house, have cameras on the 24/7 and come up with tasks to publicly humiliate them, while they also do a pretty good job of doing it on their own as well. It used to be interesting in the beginning of the series - they'd have a wide cross-section of people that wouldn't normally interact, people of different generations and walks of life, and see what happens when you make them crazy and cut them off from the outside world. But in the last few seasons it's pretty much been people under 25 all trying to hook up with each other. (They are what the internet sites call "mactors" - model/actors rather than "real people." I grew up calling them "the beautiful people" - you know, the young, perfect California beach volleyball types with no imperfections whatsoever.) You can buy access to the 24/7 feeds on the interent where you can see the censored stuff they don't put on TV (one or two seasons ago, two contestants were having sex under the covers, and the audio/video of this was all over YouTube). Plus there are interent sites where, even if you don't buy the feeds, you can find someone with no life who will transcribe them verbatim, and other people with no life will read them. And yes, I would sit and read this stuff and suck it up like a sponge. Not to mention watching it 3 hours a week on TV. It's embarrassing to even admit this. So, this season I made the decision that I would not watch it ever again. It is not in line with my values, nor do I have the time or desire to focus on this anymore. So I would not watch it. Easy decision. Until I came upon the info that it was starting this coming Thursday. Now I feel like I'm missing something really BIG and feel this sense of grief at not watching this crap. It's sad, really. If I step outside myself and look at what's going on, it's rather interesting. I guess it was a mindless escape - makes my own life seem much calmer, much more manageable, much less insane. It's also voyeuristic. Change is also hard when it's something you've "always" done. Nobody's forcing me to not watch it; it's my own decision to do so. And nobody really cares whether I watch it or not. But it's interesting how I have this almost sense of panic over my decision! I guess this is one of the first steps I'm taking in this regard, to really come into my own in terms of integrity and simplicity. I'm making a personal statement that my time is worth more than this. I think some of the fear is the fact that I really haven't filled this hole with anything else. I have a lot of things I want to be doing, but I'm putting up a lot of blocks to it. I'm realizing a lot of it has to do with lack of confidence in myself, or even self-worth, about who I am and what I'm doing. It's hard to admit that. I've got some more to say on that, but I'll leave it for another time. No, I'm not going to watch Big Brother this season. I've made the decision and I'm sticking with it. The world won't end and I will find something meaningful to fill that time with instead because I am worth it. Or at least I'll keep telling myself that until it sinks in. :)

Create Simplicity, Not Austerity

2009-07-04T18:07:00.001-07:00

Last weekend I was at the East West Bookshop, one of my favorite places. Normally I go to the one in Seattle, but I was in Bothell at the dentist, so I decided to stop at the newer one in Bothell. I didn't realize it was about 1/10 the size of the Seattle location, but that's probably okay because I can get into financial trouble in East West. :) So they had some used books out front and I scored about half a dozen of them. One that I started reading almost immediately is Inner Simplicity - 100 Ways to Regain Peace and Nourish Your Soul by Elaine St. James. It's a small book that's very quick to read, but what a great gift this small package is! I particularly liked #5:

Create Simplicity, Not Austerity When I first started to let go of some of the distractions I had unthinkingly allowed to accumulate in my life and to look within, a friend said to me, "But I don't want an austere life." I said, "I don't either!" She had the idea that we were going to give everything away and go live in a hut in the wilderness. I explained to her that getting rid of a lot of our stuff and moving toward an inwardly simple life is not about deprivation or denying ourselves the things we want. It's about getting rid of the things that no longer contribute to the fullness of our lives. It's also about creating balance between our outer and inner lives. One of the issues many of us are dealing with now is coming back to our centers after having spent so much time pursing careers and creating fortunes in the outside world. We've neglected the inner worlds, and our souls are craving some attention. Devoting more time and energy to the cultivation of our inner lives will help us create that balance and also enable us to live our outer lives more fully. But living fully doesn't mean having it all, going everywhere, doing everything, and being all things to all people. Man of us are beginning to see that too much is too much. Doing too much and having too much get in the way of being able to enjoy the things we do want in our lives, and to simply be who we are. Achieving a level of inner simplicity makes it possible to choose intelligently the things that are meaningful in our lives and that contribute to our happiness and our peace of mind. It may ultimately mean doing fewer things and having less stuff, but that decision will come, not from self-denial, but from the wisdom that comes by taking the time to figure out what is important to us, and in letting go of the rest.

I recently joined a "Simplicity Circle" and it was interesting to see the very different ideas that everyone had about what "simplicity" is. I think people often think that simplicity is austerity, and you have to live this life like a monk, giving away all your stuff, in order to be "simple." For me, simplicity is still a work in progress - just in simply defining what "simplicity" is for me. There are some very obvious things - like my recently shedding an obligation that was no longer working for me; what started as a joy turned into a chore and one I was very soon to regret if I didn't drop it. So it was definitely an act of simplification to bow out of that. There's definitely more that needs to go. And other things that need to replace those things. Some of it is a struggle - like knowing that my day job isn't a good fit for me, but not having any alternative I can see right now. Or I should say, no good alternative in the middle of a recession when I've become accustomed to food on my table and a roof over my head. :) This weekend I have many things I should be doing. The place is a mess and there are chores to be done. But in 2 days now, I've done almost nothing of any worth from a productive sense. I've listened to some music. I've watched some DVDS. I've surfed the internet. I've read. I've napped. We drove around aimlessly today, following the coast of West Seattle around the water and meandering into areas we rarely see like Shorewood and Arbor Heights where there are some awesome views. Lattes on the beach. It's been glorious. Refreshing. Simple. Screw the chores. :) Right now I'm choosing some much-needed simplicity.

Arguing with a Brick Wall, or The Rug Shampooer Saga

2009-07-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

That's what today's exchanges with my husband have felt like: arguing with a brick wall. Generally he's understanding and compassionate. But he's also stubborn (like me) and sometimes can't wrap his brain around something I've said, while trying to get my needs met, and inadvertently thinking I'm overreacting. It's frustrating. He's been on this kick lately that he needs to shampoo the rugs. The rugs don't look dirty, but it's been 2 years since we've shampooed them and yes, they probably need to be shampooed. However, I've been on this quest for more green products, and Bissell carpet shampoo is not one of them. Sure it's "non-toxic" but that doesn't mean it's safe for me to be breathing for long periods of time, nor safe for my cat to be walking over and then licking his paws. He's also got his brain wrapped around the fact that this was the absolute perfect weekend to shampoo all the rugs, something to do with the humidity being low (so it wouldn't be humid, which would keep the rugs from drying quickly). I wanted to research greener ways of doing this. I have a restrictive lung disease and an awful, chronic cough; I also have issues with heavy metals and liver issues. I do not need to breathing in this crap. But he was a man with a mission, and dammit, it was going to get done TODAY. Oh, and the subplot of this is that when the sewer backed up in the basement 2 years ago, he used this shampooer (sans shampoo) to pull up water from the rugs, then thought that rinsing it with bleach would disinfect it. I wanted to throw it out entirely since I do not trust that the fecal matter is out of this shampooer, nor that the bleach (which I cannot stand having in my home) is out of it either. So not only does he want to shampoo my rugs with this non-green shampoo, but he wants to do it in what I consider to be a toxic incubator from hell. No amount of reasoning, screaming, etc., was going to get him to stop this. He basically got so single-minded about this that he poo-pooed any of my concerns as overreacting and did it anyway. He locked himself into the bedroom and did that room alone. He opened the back door to the screen and both windows and turned on a fan and tried to air the room out. It is now 7 hours since he started. The bedroom absolutely REEKS of this stuff. I have spent my afternoon coughing up a storm, more than I usually do. I walk into that room and feel like my chest is closing up. It's 10:30 at night and I honestly don't know how I'm going to sleep in that room. He insisted that I'm overreacting to what I call a stench in there. He says it's "not so bad." I disagree. I'm a chemically sensitive person, and I'm not going to apologize for that. So I go online and start reaching alternatives. I've really loved BioKleen products for a while now - their dishwashing liquid and dishwasher power with grapefruit seed extract are some of the best, effective, green products I've found. So some research showed that they also make a Rug and Carpet Shampoo that can be used in a shampooer - several reviewers mention using it in a Bissell (which we have) and being pleased with it. I suggested ordering some of this so we can do the rest of the house. He said okay, but could we just "grandfather in" the rest of the other stuff and do the rest of the house tomorrow? I could not understand how any reasonable person could listen to me choking, coughing, complaining about the shampooing, and then still thinks it's okay to use it "one more time" on the rest of house. And on a weekend where I plan on doing cleaning and will be stuck in the house all day long, breathing this stuff in. If it was about cost, I said I'd pay for the product I'm insisting we throw out or give away, and the product I want to buy. He got really angry at me and said that he does not believe I'm serious in how bad this is because it is incomprehensible to him. Fine, he can disagree with me if he likes, but his tone is so condescending and is is treating me like I'm an overreacting liar, which of course is making me angry and we've been fighting for a while over it. It became very clear that I cannot win this argument about using the rest of the cleanser, which is just blowing my mind. He is so understanding about my "greening" of the house and is excited about using the soaps from Ballard Organics, soapnuts in our laundry instead of soap, all kinds of green products, so this is really baffling to me. So I at least got him to compromise. I told him he cannot do the rugs tomorrow because I will not sit here all day cleaning while breathing it in. But next Saturday I will be out of the house at least 12 hours. If he starts the rugs right after I leave, he can finish it and let it dry and at least air the house out for 12 hours. In the meantime I am going to put a rush shipment in to get the BioKleen product and see if I can talk him into that next week. Wish me luck. Sorry about the vent. I'm not saying anything here that I haven't already said to his face, by the way. I know these fumes won't kill me (well, I hope not anyway :) but it's just so frustrating to have someone who is usually so supportive turn out to be not supportive at all about a particular situation, and feeling helpless to get my needs met.

A Bad Example of Integrity

2009-06-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

This really made me laugh! (Click on it to view larger if you can't read the words.)

Beautiful Food - An Ode to Fresh Bistro

2009-06-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

OMG, this is my new favorite restaurant. Fresh Bistro is in West Seattle at the Alaska Junction, and you can check out their website at http://www.freshbistroseattle.com/ for location and directions. I am not a person who would consider themselves a "foodie." Sure, I like food, but I'll be honest that I tend to go for value over quality much of the time - like a 2-for-1 deal at Denny's or some stuff like that. When I first read the menus at Fresh Bistro I'll admit I balked at the price. But I figured I was up for the adventure, and we could go at lunch time and just eat an appetizer - that would surely save money. Plus I can walk there from home, so that makes it appealing too. We went last month, shortly after they opened, for lunch. I just loved the decor - it's so fresh and clean and simple. He had the sweet potato crab cakes and I had the open-faced meatloaf on focaccia with the most awesome baby zucchini "fries." The portions were so beautifully arranged on the plates that I just wanted to sit and look at it. Seriously. The attention put into the display was remarkable. You can see photos of the restaurant and some of their dishes at http://www.herbanfeast.com/freshbistro/our-location.html Their lemon shortcake (filled with rosemary mascarpone cream) was one of the most amazing desserts I've ever had in my life, and their delicate, slightly carbonated strawberry lavender lemonade went with it perfectly. I've never really put a lot of thought into the concept of Beautiful Food before. One doesn't usually get up near 300 pounds by pondering the beauty of their food - LOL! But I found myself wanting beautiful food after eating there. Most importantly, I felt like I deserved beautiful food. Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly), I felt as satisfied by a small plate of beautiful food as I would've had I gotten some not-so-beautiful plate of chicken fried steak and hashbrowns at IHOP. A week later I was off from work and went mid-week for lunch. This time I had the wagyu steak frites - a 6oz. flank steak (or similar) steak with a huge portion of crisp and thin sea salt truffle fries. And again I had to have the lemon shortcake because of its awesomeness the last time. I had the same reaction to the place this time - the service is wonderful, the space and food are beautiful, and I felt special eating there. On Tuesday I went to the gym (which is right across the street) and went there by myself afterward. Now, I really did balk at the prices on the dinner menu (I think the cheapest entree is $20), but decided I could just get an appetizer again and a dessert. I've been hearing raves about the Basil Creme Brulee with cherry tomatoes and balsamic compote. (I'm told it sounds weird but is out-of-this-world.) So that's what I decided to do. At dinner I walked in and they had little bread plates on the table. That's something I hadn't seen at lunch. They brought me a basket of bread: a small, crusty oval-shaped roll (like french bread, I guess), and 2 small biscuits that I immediately got excited about because I'd had their bigger counterpart at the West Seattle Farmers Market - a savory biscuit that I think has cheese and peppers in it. And they brought out a beautiful 2-section plate - one side had herb butter and the other side had spreadable goat cheese!! I was already in heaven and I hadn't ordered yet. I ended up ordering the sweet potato crab cakes and the "Beets Me" salad. The crab cakes were amazing - and I was delighted by how they arranged it on the plate - with these little micro-greens delicately placed in the space between each one, and each one garnished so perfectly on top. The beet salad plate had 3 parts to it: sauteed beet greens (which I'd never had), roasted beet salad (cold, with either goat or feta cheese - I confuse the two sometimes), and a thin, tall shot-glass type glass of golden beet gazpacho. I was so full from all of this - both of body and spirit - I never even made it to the creme brulee! But that's okay; it's an excuse to go back. No, it's not the cheapest place I've eaten, but I've decided I am worth every penny. And it's made me think a lot about the food I eat and the way I nourish my body on many levels. This goes back to self-care, I guess. A lot of it also has to do with this book I'm reading right now (and will share in another post another time) called Master Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels. I hope that if you're in West Seattle that you'll check this restaurant out. Maybe I'll see you there. :)

Drive-by Posting :)

2009-06-10T18:01:00.000-07:00

Just a short note to let you know I haven't abandoned this blog - I was just away unexpectedly. I hope to catch up tomorrow or soon after.

Integrity at the Cashier

2009-06-02T22:22:00.001-07:00

I went to the health food store after work today (PCC) because I needed a few things, and in particular I needed to refill my hand soap. I've started using Ballard Organics' foaming hand soap, and I ran out of the lemongrass concentrate for the dispenser that I use in the kitchen (awesome for getting onion and other food smells off the hands!) I had never refilled the container before - PCC has a lot of items (soaps, shampoos, lotions, cleansers, even maple syrup) that you can refill at a certain amount per ounce into your own container. Costs significantly less than buying new, plus always better to reuse a container than to toss it or even recycle it. So I look at the price and it says it's $5.49 per pint. Uh oh, I've got an 8 oz., half pint, container. I ask a worker how that would work out at the register and she explained that they would ask me at the register how many ounces I had, and do the price that way. Cool. So I fill up my 8 oz. container, finished shopping and checked out. I get into the car and look at my receipt briefly and see this: "Ballard Liq Soap 1 @ 16/5.49" and a final price for my soap of $0.34. And my first thought, after realizing they made a mistake was "cool! that's some discount!" and I was getting ready to think nothing of it and go on my way. Then I thought about it for a second and realized that if I want to live in integrity, this is not the way to do it. And I went back into the store, explained the undercharge, and paid for the other 7 ounces, and they were astonished that I was honest enough to come back in and do that. I'm not telling this story for a pat on the back or to say how much better I am than other people. I'm sharing it because I find this whole situation interesting. If you asked me to list some qualities I like about myself, I wouldn't hesitate to say I was honest and trustworthy. And yet, I was willing - momentarily - to steal 7 oz. of soap. Yes, steal. But for some reason when cashiers screw up (as human beings do from time to time), I've had a history of thinking "score!" and going on my merry way. Even judging them sometimes - "well, if they were better workers they wouldn't screw up, and I didn't intend to take it, so it's not my fault." And I didn't maliciously walk in and intend to steal it, so somehow it 's not the same thing. Amazing how things can be justified. A month ago I was shopping there and put a tube of homeopathic tablets in my cart. When I got to the car with my checked-out bags, I noticed it still in the cart, obviously unpaid for. I had "saved" $7 that way. My justification for taking it was that if I left it there, "someone else would steal it." Oh, but I wasn't stealing it? My guilt got the better of me, and the next time I was there I paid for it. But since then I've really been thinking about it. It's kinda scary how I can detatch from how wrong this is. I'm human. I make mistakes too. So I'm not going to dwell on it. But I'm going to be more mindful of the things I do. I truly want to live a life of integrity. It sounds so cliched, I know, but it's true. The person I am, and the person I want to be, is someone who is honest and trustworthy. It's hard to admit faults, especially one like this. But I think it's important to share because I can't be the only person out there who does or thinks things in this scope from time to time. And if we talk about these things, maybe we can all stop them from happening and the world will be a better place for it. Or at least just me. :)

Accountability Sucks

2009-06-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

I was with a group of friends last night, and we were discussing goals for ourselves, and there was some discussion about self-care, health and I said that I would like to make changes to that. I've been really frustrated lately with how I've been treating myself, and I deserve better. I joined Weight Watchers in October 2008. I had lost as much as 16.6 pounds which got me my award for losing 5% of my body weight. But since then (March) I've been steadily going up, up, up and am now a mere 2.6 pounds less than I was 7 months ago. I guess I could reframe that as gratitude that I didn't gain it all back, or that I didn't gain weight from where I started. And yes, those are good things. But it's not good enough for me. I've mentioned before that I participate in a Weight Watchers (unofficial) message board called Bootcamp Buddies and about a month ago I signed up to join their "Biggest Loser" challenge. They don't vote anyone out like on the show, but it's just people grouped into 3 groups (red, blue and black teams) and we see who can lose the most weight. No prizes, but we support each other in the process. So I forgot I had signed up for it, which began June 1. So last week I gave them the last weigh-in number from my last meeting (279.6) and I haven't even tried this week to be on program. I normally go to meetings Tuesday, so I was due today to give my first weigh-in for the challenge. I have a free pass I could use, but decided I wanted to be accountable. Well, I've decided accountability sucks - LOL! - as I've gained 3 pounds, which brought me to that measly 2.6 overall loss. I didn't even want to stay for the meeting (and I didn't) and my first thought was to go downstairs to the lobby and visit Coldstone Creamery (ice cream) for lunch. Fortunately, common sense set in and I walked past Coldstone (phew!) and stopped at the supermarket on the way back to the office for a low-point sushi roll. Then I heard myself making excuses for why my next week will be really bad too because I'm flying out of town and am stuck eating hotel food, yada, yada. That's just bullshit. Sure, I won't be in full control of my food situation when you're eating out of a hotel room. But really now, what menu doesn't have a healthy food choice? Even fast food has them. There's no one with a gun to my head saying "you're out of town so you must eat chicken fried steak" and the like. Right? So my plan for the coming week is to think about the food that I put into my body. I have choices I can make. I will stop at PCC (health food store) tonight and buy some healthy snacks to pack with me so I have no excuses for "having" to eat junk. If I do, it'll be a choice. The hotel also has a fitness center. Okay, so maybe the accountability sucked, and having to admit that I'm out of control, but if it spurs me into some action, then maybe it's a good thing ultimately. Let's see how I do while I'm away. I'll consider it a victory if I simply don't gain. But I wouldn't be adverse to a loss either! :)

The 5K That Wasn't

2009-06-01T11:58:00.001-07:00

A month or two ago I heard about the first West Seattle 5-K Run/Walk along Alki Beach. In a moment of insanity I decided I wanted to sign up for it. I say insanity, because I've been struggling for the past year in getting my fitness back after some health challenges, am currently suffering from some lingering plantar fasciitis, and was thrilled when I actually walked 1-1/2 miles recently - the longest walk I've done in years - and this is only half of a 5K. Based on the previous walk, I knew it would take me (at least) 3 hours to do a 5K walk. And adding to the physical stress of this was that it was set for the day of a day cars were not allowed on Alki due to some Seattle summer streets program, so anywhere I parked would require some walking to get to the beginning of the walk, and that was the case if I could even get a bus up there. Part of my thought of doing this was sort of a benchmark of where I am fitness-wise - so when I did the same walk next year, I could say "wow, look how far I've come!" Well, lucky for me, when I "decided" that I would do the 5K, I never actually signed up for it. I kept procrastinating - probably knowing deep down in my heart that I wasn't ready - and then I "decided" that I would just go the same day and sign up for it then, if I really wanted to do it, or perhaps the previous day's signup. So I woke up this past Sunday, the day of the walk. The sun was very strong - which is something that zaps the energy out of me totally. It was warm, which is also isn't good for me. And I thought to myself, there is no way in hell that I am going to do this walk. And if I did, I will hurt myself. I decided to reframe the whole thing. I wanted a benchmark? Here it is: I am currently not able to do a 5K walk. There's no shame in admitting it. It's not a character judgment; it just is. I was not ready for a variety of reasons. And that's really okay. A lot of people did it and had fun. And maybe next year that will be me. So what can I do to get ready for this myself, perhaps next year? Some self-care would be nice. I'm getting ready to go away for a week, so I'll admit I'm not getting to the gym this week. And the Donut Diet is still lingering around. I'm hopeful that the change in scenery of my trip, and the change in routine (I'm taking a class, rather than working) will shake up my routine. And maybe I can come back a few steps closer to being the person I want to be, not the person that I've fallen into and not liking very much.

Gardening in Simplicity

2009-06-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

Over Memorial Day weekend I went to the first West Seattle Edible Garden Fair at South Seattle Community College. They had hour-long presentations about growing food in our homes. I chose 2 of them to go to, one on tips and techniques for growing great-tasting vegetables by Willi Galloway who has a food blog at http://www.digginfood.com/ and another on container gardening given by The ShibaGuyz: Shannon & Jason Mullet-Bowlsby who have blogs at http://shibaguyz.com, http://lazylocavores.com and http://urbanfarmingproject.com/ Both were very informative, but it was such a difference in presentation and philosophy of gardening. Willi gave us a very typical-sounding gardening presentation about additives to the soil and making sure things are in perfect rows with the exact amount of space between, and some stuff I didn't know about the things that affect the taste of vegetables and fruit as they're growing. So then we go to hear these two guys (Shannon and Jason) talk about their container gardens, and it was absolutely hysterical and laid back. They call themselves the Lazy Locavores. They dumpster drive for containers to plant in - nothing is unable to plant in, like Tupperware, chinese take-out containers, etc. They said nothing grows in rows in nature, so why should we? And they said last year they grew 800 pounds of tomatoes in their 15 x 15 townhome backyard here in West Seattle. I am very much like the ShibaGuyz/LazyLocavores - if it ain't easy, I ain't doing it. I work full time, I've got a full life, and I want to grow vegetables. I am not going to spend my time studying and reading about the correct things to do with vegetables and additives, etc., etc. Everything gets the same treatment - soil, compost, organic veggie fertilizer when it's growing, and then I water them daily. They die? I don't plant it again. Easy peasy. Might I have a "better" garden if I cared to do more? I don't know. Not gonna find out - LOL! So last night I had my first garden casualty of the season. Well, I've been struggling with my romaine since I planted it a month ago, but that wasn't a total casualty. Last night it was the cauliflower. I've noticed the past week or so that after growing so strong and big in the container (similar to the broccoli) it started looking wilted even when it had adequate water. Then I started noticing that the leaves had big holes in them. I turned the leaves over, and they had these bugs (I assume they were bugs) that looked like little white specks. Almost microscopic. I thought about grabbing a gardening book and figuring it out. I refuse to use pesticides, and I had heard about using soap for killing bugs, but then also heard downfalls of that too (anecdotally - never tried it) and then I said you know what? I want simplicity. This is not simple if I have to diagnose and figure this out. And I don't want my surrounding plants to get whatever that was. So I decided it was a goner. Pulled it over to the yard waste bin and tossed the entire thing. I'll admit I felt bad. Felt a little like a failure and a defeat. Felt like murder too in a way. But I really need to embrace simplicity. Doing anything else wouldn't be simple. I'm going away on an unexpected trip in 4 days and lots to do before then. Honestly, this was the best solution for now. The rest of the garden, for all my laziness, looks to be doing well. The broccoli has honest-to-goodness broccoli florets on it - one is getting pretty big and probably ready to be harvested by the time I get back from my trip. My husband has already partaken of the scallops - my goodness, the place reeked of onion smell when he used them! :) The fennel is GORGEOUS - everyone should grow fennel even if they won't eat it. :) It's just so feathery and beautiful to look at. One of the tomato plants we bought at the Edible Garden Fair was grown in a hothouse and already was large and had blooms on it (Red Zebra variety), and I noticed it has 3 tomatoes starting to grow from the blooms! We had a strawberry from our new plant that was SO close to being ripe, but a bird beat us to it - LOL! The blueberries have beautiful flowers on them - I never thought about how blueberries actually grew before. So despite the failure of the cauliflower, I do feel optimistic about my lazy garden. And glad that it remains simple and doesn't stress my already stressful-enough life. Even if I have to murder cauliflower. :)

Out of Balance: How Distant You Are From What is Sacred and Holy

2009-05-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

I am not normally one to jump on the Oprah bandwagon or drink the Oprah kool-aid - but for some reason I recently subscribed to O Magazine. Her January 2009 issue talked about her constant struggle with weight, and the article spoke to me, so I bought it, and then I decided to subscribe. I'll probably not resubscribe when it's up, but for now I'm seeing what I can get out of it. Today I finally got around to finishing the March 2009 issue. All the way in the back is an Oprah editorial article/feature called "What I Know For Sure." This was a follow-up to the January weight discussion, and some of what she said in it really touched me. You can read the entire article at the link above, but here are some relevant excerpts:

To those who say you've made peace with your size, I say good for you. For me, this is not about cosmetics. Or looking good in a pair of jeans. It's about optimal health, optimal living. A friend wrote me this e-mail after reading the January issue: "Here's how I see your weight—it is your smoke detector. And we're all burning up the best part of our lives." I'd never thought of it that way before, but it was an aha! moment for me: The weight is an indicator warning, a flashing light blaring my disconnection from the center of myself. That's what out of balance really means: how far you've strayed, how distant you are from that which is sacred and holy. [snip] Years ago, I co-authored a book with Bob Greene called Make the Connection. The title was his idea. Even while writing my part, which involved sharing my frustrated journal entries about being fat (I was 237 pounds when Bob and I met), I would often say to him, "Remind me again; what's the connection?"I did learn from him that my overeating wasn't about potato chips, that I needed to peel back the layers of my addiction to food and figure out what was eating me. Obviously, I didn't peel deeply enough. Only now do I get, get, get it! The connection is loving, honoring, and protecting everything about yourself. Bob has often said to me, "Your weight is ultimately tied to your feelings of unworthiness." [snip] Many times we insist on having all the best things because that's the only way we can ensure "quality of life" for ourselves. I can neglect myself in every other way, but if I have the best watch or pocketbook or car or square footage, I get to tell myself I'm the best and how much I deserve to have even more of the best. What I know for sure: Having the best things is no substitute for having the best life. Spring is nearly upon us. New life awakens. Allow it to awaken in you and not just around you. Whatever your challenge—overeating, overindulging in any substance or activity, the loss of a relationship, money, position—let it be an open door to your holiest revelations about yourself, an invitation to your best life.

I've been struggling for so long with my weight. I am one of those people who, on one hand, doesn't give a crap about my weight. I don't let it keep me from doing what I want, wearing what I want, being who I want, etc. But I do want to lose weight, and something is keeping me from doing it. I'm just not sure what. Or why. Or what to do about it. But I do agree with Oprah that I'm not really having my best life. It's a good life; don't get me wrong. But it could be better. The question now, I guess, is what do I want and what do I have to do to get it. I guess if I knew the answer to that, I'd be thin. And rich. And perfect. I guess I've got a lot to reflect on. I do know that I love what she said about balance, which I've paraphrased as my post title:

That's what out of balance really means: how far you've strayed, how distant you are from that which is sacred and holy.

Lots to ponder!

Regrouping

2009-05-27T21:56:00.000-07:00

I've had an interesting week. I really tried to take it easy. I've been doing so much and so overwhelmed, and I decided that I needed a break. We went to see some movies (something I don't do very often). I've been relaxing at home rather than racing for appointments. No, I'm not eating very well (seems that the donut diet was replaced by the cookie diet, which was then replaced by the caramel pecan brownie diet), but everything else seems to be relaxing a bit. May was an overwhelming month for me, and I'm glad that at the end of it I took a break. Remembered to breathe. Got outdoors for a while. Even finished planting my garden - the tomatoes are in now. And I'm very excited since I see our first red strawberry (not ripe, but it's there!) and - oh my god - the broccoli is flowering! I really can't believe I've grown broccoli. Now, I have no idea how to know when it's *done* but I think it's pretty cool. For that matter, I have no idea when fennel is done either. It looks big and strong and very beautiful. But god knows what's going on under the soil. The little kid in me wants to dig in and find out. :) On Monday a Stellar Jay decided to visit my strawberry container. Frankly, I'm surprised I still have a strawberry after that. I wished I had a camera nearby - to see that beautiful, majestic bird on a small container was very stunning. My cat did not agree and wondered if he "clucked" loud enough through the window that he would go away. When the Jay went away, I kissed the cat's head and told him he was so awesome for scaring away the bird. :) I made a vow to a group that I attend that I would clean my computer area by my next meeting (next week). I didn't do a thing on it until tonight and then went into a cleaning frenzy. Okay, so maybe not *clean* as 1/3 of it is on another counter. But it's a start. No pile is more than 1" high. Most are less than that. And only about 1/3 of the table has anything covering it at all. That's progress, believe me! So, this is why I haven't been posting - it felt too much like *work* and I didn't want to work; I wanted to have fun. Today the blog felt like fun. :)

Donut Diet

2009-05-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

Attention: If you're trying to lose weight, The Donut Diet is not, I repeat, NOT, the way to go. :) I've had this absolute obsession with donuts the past few days. Well, sugar in general, but particularly donuts. I'm eating them in mass quantity. They are such mindless fluff that you can eat them in about 2 seconds and want more. At least I do. Not good. Not good at all. So I show up at Weight Watchers today after 6 weeks of not going and find out I've gained 6.2 pounds. Not only that, but since I started going 7 months ago, I've now managed to lose a total of 5.6 pounds. That's not good either. That's like 3/4 of a pound a month. I guess it's better than having gained massive amounts of weight, but it's really indicative of the games I've been playing. Enough already! Of course, having written this, I want more donuts. :( Time to start tracking food again, absolutely. Today's "nutritious" day of food so far is:

mini whole wheat bagel with cheese
cinnamon caramel latte
donut
another donut
ham and cheese quiche
potato salad.

Not exactly stellar nutrition, especially when you consider it's only 3:20 and I've still got 6 hours of potential damage to do. I don't even want to know the Weight Watchers points on all that. Nope, I don't. I want to be like an ostrich with his head buried right now. And then just forget that the Donut Diet ever happened and go forward to learn new habits. It's interesting, because my Soul Coaching book (that I've been too busy to do) has me (if I was doing it) in the middle of Earth Week, and the topic I'm next to do is Body Detox. It's asking me to give something up, do something healthy food-wise, or eliminate something not healthy. Yes, I've been really busy and unable to commit time to the book, but I know that a small part of me also wants to avoid having to face that. Well, I'm going to face that tomorrow. I'm putting this out there, so now I have to do it. :)

What is the Opposite of a Balanced Life?

2009-05-18T10:13:00.001-07:00

Well, whatever it is called, that would be what I'm experiencing right now. I haven't logged into here in 12 days. I feel like life has me spinning in circles and I can't catch my breath. I can't even say things are particularly bad at all. Just so incredibly busy and overwhelming. I don't like living like this. May has brought some things in my life to a head. I have a volunteer job that takes a considerable amount of my energy, and there's a big event that occurred yesterday that I was involved in - the events leading up to that were a bit frenzied and all on a deadline. Simultaneously, my "real" job was gearing up with what I can vaguely call "very bad things" for a client which involved lots of my energy, time and - again - deadlines. Doing both of these at the same time was not fun. Then add real life in the middle of it - all the things I want and need to do - and it's just crazy. I know the description I have of this doesn't sound like much - I either can't or don't feel comfortable divulging the details here - but trust me, it's too much. :) I haven't been to the gym in ages and I haven't been to Weight Watchers in twice as long. I'm eating crappy, not getting enough sleep, not exercising, the house is a mess . . . the list goes on and on. And this week proves to be busy too. At least the Memorial Day weekend seems quiet and some time to recharge. I also have been struggling to find time to finish up my Soul Coaching book. This probably distresses me more than anything else going on. It's not that I don't want to finish it, but just haven't found the time. I've got one week to go in it (the Earth Week) and it seems I'm taking 3 days to get through each "day" in the book. That's not particularly wrong but not the pace I want to do it at. It's important to me, and I feel like I'm not getting the same stuff out of it that I was when devoting more time. I don't see myself even opening the book today. :( I really need to sit and reevaluate things. I really don't like living like this, and I think I am the only one who can stop it. So I guess the opposite of a balance life is a life in chaos. At least that what it feels like. I'm going to try and manifest balance again.

The Bus Pug

2009-05-06T10:38:00.000-07:00

I was on the bus this morning, and this guy was sitting in the back with headphones, minding his own business. He was a blue-collar type guy with a worn cap, paint-splattered jeans that were also worn, and his hands looked as if he's worked with them a lot. A tough guy who looked like you shouldn't mess with him, and one might even ignore. Except for the tiny little pug in his lap. I wanted to burst out laughing. Here's this "tough guy" sitting on the bus, and he's got this adorable little dog in his lap. It was such an odd juxtaposition. The guy would occasionally rub his belly or his head, and the dog looked as happy as anything to be there with his daddy. The pug looked over at me occasionally - never realized that pugs look like E.T. :) - and it just made my day. This is significant as I normally am not a big fan of dogs (and that's an understatement). I remember the first time I ever saw a dog on the bus, and I was horrified that Metro actually allows it. I have a few friends with dogs that I've come to like (usually the ones that don't jump on me or, even worse, drool on me . . . ewwwww), but I usually don't like them in the least. Except maybe puppies. How can you not like a puppy. :) Maybe that's why I liked the pug, because he looked puppy-esque. I just thought it was a nice reminder, too, not to judge people by what they looked like. I never would've imagined that this guy would have such a cute dog and be so gentle with him. We happened to get off at the same stop and I watched him walk down the block ahead of me with the cute little pug. Kinda fitting that he peed on my office building too - I really like this pug! :)

I Hate Mothers Day

2009-05-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

Note to the world: not everyone celebrates mothers day. Not everyone has a mother, and not every woman has a child. To some, it is a horribly depressing holiday that fills one with emptiness because of the lack of a mother and/or lack of motherhood. And yet it is a holiday is that is shoved down our throats every single year. I cannot begin to tell you how many emails I've received so far offering me special deals to buy my mom something (I've deleted half a dozen today alone). Or special deals to treat myself (as a mom) to something, or ask my loved ones for. Or people who barely know me asking me where I'm taking my mom for mothers day, or where I'm being taken. If you truly knew me, you wouldn't be asking these questions. My mother is dead; I've not celebrated mothers day for 33 years now. For a great many years, this was a painful, empty holiday for me. Now it's just another day, doesn't mean anything to me. But my heart aches for those whose mourning is still fresh and who are being bombarded, like a friend of mine who just lost her mother in this past year and is celebrating her first motherless mothers day. When people ask me where I'm taking mom for mothers day, they truly don't know me and are asking superficially, because if they knew me, they'd know the answer already. I do not make it a secret that my mom is dead. I tried to be polite for many years. But, to be honest, I usually answer this question with "nowhere; my mom is dead." It shocks the person asking, because I am so blunt. It makes them uncomfortable. And I don't care. They (and people like them) have made me uncomfortable for years. It would be one thing if someone asked me "do you celebrate mothers day?" for to ask where I'm taking mom is rude and intrusive as far as I'm concerned. You can be sure I never ask this question of anyone unless I know you and know your mom is in your life. I am also childless. While I am childless by choice, people don't necessarily know that; it could be for a myriad of reasons. Did I lose a child? Did I try for many years and fail to carry to term, or fail to become pregnant? Become estranged from your child? Imagine yourself in that situation, and then being asked what someone is getting you or where they're taking you for mothers day. And yet I cannot tell you how many times people have asked me intimate questions about my breeding status. While this doesn't touch a nerve for me in terms of hurting me to ask, it does hurt me to think of all the women in that situation who are no longer or never were mothers, and who are mourning, and this day is a constant reminder. I like the concept of the holiday. I will certainly wish my friends and relatives (who I know are mothers) a happy holiday, and I believe they should be honored this and every day. I just wish people could be more sensitive to the issues a holiday like this has the potential to bring up. This year I've decided to spend the day in a celebration of the birthing of creativity, which has a mothering aspect. I found out that Avalon Glassworks here in West Seattle is having a special offer where you can buy time to design your own glass float and have someone make it for you. And I decided that this was what I was going to do this day - you can read info here about how to sign up yourself. I decided that reframing a holiday that annoys the crap out of me would be constructive. Interestingly, I came to find out about this by an ad that it would be a great mothers day gift, the very thing I'm ranting against. Oh well, may as well enjoy the opportunity that was given to me. Maybe I'll hate mothers day less next time around.

Stress Test

2009-05-01T12:10:00.000-07:00

I am not sure exactly how this works, but this is amazingly accurate. The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at the Mayo Clinic and later at the Fletcher Medical Center in Burlington.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress will find many differences between the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds, the more stress that person is experiencing. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may need to take a vacation.

[scroll down for photo]

Healing Quote

2009-05-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

The best six doctors anywhere

And no one can deny it

Are sunshine, water, rest, and air

Exercise and diet.

These six will gladly you attend

If only you are willing

Your mind they'll ease

Your will they'll mend

And charge you not a shilling.

~Nursery rhyme quoted by Wayne Fields,

What the River Knows, 1990

May Day

2009-05-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

I never gave May Day a second thought until I got to Seattle. And that's only because in my office building, when you come into work on May 1, you get fresh flowers given to you with a big smile and a wish for a Happy May Day! Which then prompted me to Google May Day to see what on earth we were celebrating anyway. :) So May Day in my experience is about coming in to fresh flowers in the office, which is really nice. I've got two beautiful yellow tulips on my desk. And when I go downstairs to get coffee momentarily and come back in, no doubt someone will add to that. But May Day is also, it seems, about labor protests here in Seattle. Every year on April 30 we get an email telling us about all the routes that will be totally messed up by hundreds or thousands of people protesting and marching. I'd like to really care about what they're protesting, but to be honest, all I can see is that they disrupt my bus routes and cause havoc on the commute home. It's really hard to be sympathetic to someone who wants to be heard by disrupting other peoples lives. My boss decided to leave early today to avoid the mess, and I told him I would do the same (working through lunch to make up the time). I think I'll even treat myself to a trip home on the Water Taxi today instead of the bus. I'm leaving early, so I'll have extra time. I won't have to worry about any protest delays, and I'll enjoy a beautiful, sunny May Day afternoon on the water. How great is that?

Enough!

2009-05-01T07:08:00.000-07:00

I talk about wanting to have a health/life balance, but then I totally ignore self-care and stop taking care of myself in terms of food and exercise. So how balanced is that? I'm annoyed with myself because I've been going to Weight Watchers since October and have lost a total of 10.2 pounds. The plan works when you work it, but I'm obviously not working it. I have been gaining and losing the same 5 pounds for 6 months now. I know in the past month things have been hard for me emotionally, which means I'm medicating with food. But that doesn't account for the previous 5 months of games. Then I stopped going to the gym. That was a legitimate excuse originally - my plantar fasciitis issues flared up big-time, and it still persists to a certain degree, despite a cortisone shot, which is annoying. And I did get incredibly busy at work. But it was 5-1/2 weeks since I'd been at the gym! The irony is that I love going to the gym and it would've helped with the stress from all the emotional stuff I was going through. So what have I been doing to myself?! Yesterday I woke up and said ENOUGH! I got on the scale, saw what damage had been done, and opened up my Weight Watchers Tracker to start tracking my food again. And I packed my gym clothing in my bag to take to work. The gym really kicked my butt. And I did a very toned down version of what I'd been doing. I also had a perfect Weight Watchers food day, despite eating out twice! It really wasn't that hard. One day at a time, I guess, and try to string those days together.

Fear

2009-04-30T13:33:00.000-07:00

Today's Soul Coaching topic is about fear. Me and fear are old, constant friends. So I'm writing this list of things I'm afraid of (as part of the activity). I've never actually put this stuff in one place before. And I was struck at how ridiculous it all is - every fear contradicts another fear. A sample: I am afraid of not being heard I am afraid to speak up about my opinions I am afraid to be alone I am afraid to be with others I am afraid of failure I am afraid of success I am afraid I will never lose weight I am afraid I'll lose weight and have no goal anymore It goes on and on like that, ad nauseam. My biggest fear, apparently, is getting sick(er) and dying. Well, if you were to read this silly list of fears I have, it sounds more like I'm afraid of living.

Wow, I mean, put that all in writing and you realize just how silly the fears really are.

The next section was about stepping outside of your comfort zone in terms of fear. So I'm afraid of not being heard, but afraid to be heard. I write this blog, which while mostly for me, could be of insight to others who struggle with the same things. But I write it anonymously, tell a total of about 3 people that it exists, and why? Because I'm afraid to be heard.

I decided to step outside of my comfort zone and ask the West Seattle Blog to please put this blog on their feed of West Seattle-based blogs on their site. I still don't have to tell people who I am, but I open myself up to a bigger audience. I will be heard. And it will be okay. I mean, what's the worst that will happen? Someone will think my blog is worthless and won't read it? Uh, that's okay. Someone will think I'm a moron? Well, I'm sure some people think that already even without a blog - LOL! Someone will trash me in a comment? Well, it's more about them than me, and I can always hit the "delete" button if I don't want it there. :) Someone will - GASP! - actually figure out who I am. It's not like I'm sharing such awful secrets that I'd be thrown in jail or killed if you knew who I was.

So, is it scary to open myself up like that and make myself public. Hell yeah. It's okay to be afraid, I think. It's when we let those fears paralyze us, that's when it's a problem. So I won't be paralyzed and I'll walk into my fear, and I'll learn something from it and it'll all be good. At least I hope so. :)

True Confessions

2009-04-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

I've lived in this house for 2 years and I have never, ever mopped the kitchen or bathroom floor. There, I said it. It's disgusting. I'm actually ashamed to admit that. Sure, we vacuum it when we do the rest of the living area, to get the crumbs up, but I have never actually cleaned it. It's one of those things that you promise to do "tomorrow" or "this weekend" and never gets done. Let's be honest, it's not much fun and easy to reschedule. Nobody is getting admitted to the proverbial Heaven because their floor is cleaner than another's, right? :) I'd look at it from time to time and say "This floor is disgusting!" but somehow that still wasn't enough to spur me to action. So today's Soul Coaching book had, among its tasks for Day 14 (last day of the Water Week) this blurb:

Today - Find another area of your home to clean. Perhaps you could wash the windows, scrub the floors, dust the shelves, or wash the curtains. Clean with intention. For example, if you scrub the floor, you might affirm: "I am supported, and my foundations are clear and strong."

So I thought about it and instantly realized that today would be my day to scrub the floor. I want a strong, clear foundation, dammit. And above all, I want a not-so-disgusting floor. I was home from work today, so thought I'd have all day to go about it. 5:00 rolled around and I realized I was still putting it off. What important things was I doing instead? Oh, stuff like Facebook and Norwest Cable News and an afternoon nap. All very nice things, but not getting my floor any cleaner. When I finally decided to do it, I realized I had no idea what I'd use to clean the floor. I always used ammonia before, but I'm trying to be more green, and while I didn't have proof, I imagined that a substance that makes me not able to breathe when I use it and irritates my hands is probably less than green. So I thought about vinegar. But then I realized I have none except balsamic, which is not really what I had in mind. I have this industrial-sized baking soda under the sink, and decided to dissolve some of that in some hot water, and add some GSE (grapefruit seed extract) that is suppposed to kill germs (or something like that). I've had it for a few years but never even opened it. So I dissolved the two in some hot water, got the mop (with its brand new mop head that has been sitting down in the basement forever) and mopped away, affirming the strong, solid, clear foundation stuff. My kitchen and bathroom are pretty small, so it really took no time at all. I can't imagine why I haven't done it long before this. And I am going to affirm to make it way less than 2 years before I do it again. No, it's not perfect, but it's clean. I've cleaned a lot while doing the Soul Coaching book. Just yesterday I bought this really interesting characoal body wash by Collective Wellbeing that is supposed to purify your body and absorb toxins. Who knows if it did, but when I showered with it, it felt like a ritual wash, almost like a baptism - I've been dealing with a lot of emotions lately and this was my way of washing them all away and starting anew. And my skin is so amazingly soft, so that's a great bonus. I also find it kinda cool to wash with black body wash. :) So, I guess I'm out of the running for the Most Disgusting Floors in West Seattle contest, huh? :)

Early

2009-04-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like a 7:15 am mammogram to wake you the hell up on a Monday morning! :) Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. Well, I guess I was thinking that I didn't want to come into work too late and waste my vacation time for a mammogram, so I made it incredibly early. I always go in April so it's near my birthday and I don't forget. So by calculations, that means it's my 17th mammogram. I started earlier than they usually recommend (at age 30) because with my mom dying so early, I had no idea if I had any history of, well, anything. The only one that wasn't routine was last year's. When they found enlarged lymph nodes in my body in various places, something came up in that PET scan that showed "something" in/near my breasts that they weren't sure what it was, and recommended a mammogram ASAP. I've never had a radiology center make a mammogram appointment for me same day before, and that was a bit scary. Fortunately it was nothing to be concerned about. So it was much nicer to go in today for a routine scan. Having a larger stomach than I have breasts, it's always a challenge (1) how to find enough breast tissue to stick under the plate and (2) how not to get my stomach stuck in it as well. Some radiologists are better at this than others. This one wasn't bad. So I'm back in the office far earlier than expected (only got in 10 minutes later than my start time!) and ready to start the day. Maybe I'll wake up soon. :)

Breakthrough - Grief & Safety Issues

2009-04-23T20:46:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting day. Bear with me, this is rather circular and will take a while to explain. According to my Soul Coaching book, this is a "water" week, and the week has a lot to do with the flow of emotions. And as I think I mentioned previously, my bathroom sink was totally clogged, and if you equate that to the flow of water and emotions, that's pretty stagnant, non-moving emotions. Yesterday the sink was fixed, and everything was flowing as it should. I came home from work and decided to do laundry (more water, I just realized - and out of character since I usually do it on weekends). While I'm there, I see my Chi Machine sitting there, which I admittedly haven't used in weeks. So I thought I'd kill time by using it. I'm on the machine and I started thinking about the Grief work I mentioned needing to work on, related to 9/11 issues. I've always been told - and have thought - about the need to purge these emotions, memories, physical toxins, to detox them, to eliminate them. And then I started thinking about the film The Living Matrix (see my previous posts here and here), and in that movie there is a woman who has a brain tumor (with a poor prognosis), and everyone tells her how she needs to purge it and kill it and destroy it, and she realizes that these are such negatives, and instead she embraced the gift of the tumor and what it brought to her life, welcomed it as part of her (she explains it better than I do, obviously), and her tumor went away. I'm lying there, thinking about this, and coughing up a storm - so violently that I'm nearly vomiting and imagining I'll asphyxiate myself on the floor while my husband is not home. I have lung issues from 9/11 and a chronic asthmatic-type cough as a result, so I'm not surprised that it flared on me while doing this work. I was meditating on what gifts 9/11 and my related challenges have brought to me. Expressed my gratitude for them and decided that holding onto this does not serve me anymore, and said it's okay if it goes away. And that I felt it would honor the memories of those who died if I released them and let these issues go on their way. But still, I could not cry about it. One of my alternative practitioners told me I needed to cry. I've done plenty of crying about this (and everything under the sun) over the years, but lately I have not. I finished my Chi Machine meditating, and thought about the advice I'd been given about doing things like watching sad movies to make myself cry. I realized that I knew exactly what I needed to do to cry - to pull out one of my books that I've never been able to read: Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. I've owned this book 10 years and never got past the first page. That's because the first page is a letter to the author by a woman who lost her mom when she was 13 (mine died 2 months before my 13th birthday); a woman who has mostly male friends (that's true of me until only recently); a woman who is not feminine (check); a woman who was afraid to have children because she didn't know how to be a mom without having a mom (check); and expected she'd die at 39, the age her mom was when she died (same age as my mom when she died, and I expected to die at 39 too - and actually got pneumonia at 39, which is what my mom died from). Other than the fact that the author was 25 and I'm 46, it was my story. How could I get past that? I start reading and get about 10 pages in and I just started sobbing. I haven't cried like that in a long, long time. I was glad my husband wasn't home, so that I could feel uninhibited to do what I needed to do. I was reminiscing about how I never initially cried when my mom died (she died unexpectedly, within 24 hours of her being ill), until they took me to the funeral home and I had a hysterical screaming fit and they had to drag me out kicking and screaming. So here I was, 33 years later, clutching my chest, doubled over and screaming at my mom for abandoning me and leaving me. Screaming at my dad for never letting us process this, not wanting to talk about it or her, and threatening to put us in an orphanage if we didn't behave (because he'd just lost he job and couldn't deal with 4 kids between the ages of 13 and 9 and a dead wife), and who instead thrust me into the mom role - I was 13 years old, coming home from school and raising my brothers and sister, cooking and cleaning. I've spent my life caretaking for others and nobody was ever there for me. I never put the safety issue together with the dead mom issues. I have recurring issues with not feeling safe (exacerbated by 9/11) and realized that my cat (who in a great irony has fear issues as well), when he gets skittish, I hold him and say "mommy will always keep you safe" and when I realized that, I was back to screaming at my mom who didn't keep me safe because she wasn't here. Damn, I had a lot of built-up resentment and anger and tears! I was downstairs processing this for about 2-1/2 hours - which was far more cathartic than the 5 years of therapy I had to deal with this. And I needed to write this all down to get it out and be able to refer back to it, so thanks for bearing with me if you got this far! I don't know where this all leaves me, but it was immensely cleansing and helpful. I'm very grateful for the breakthrough and am curious where this will all lead me.

Thwarted Sustainability

2009-04-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

Trying to be "green" can be frustrating sometimes. I had wanted to buy a special pen to do my workbook with. I love pens, and colors of ink, and I wanted something that was comfortable to write with. So I discovered my new favorite pen, the Pentel EnerGel retractable pen with violet ink. It just flows across the page and the violet ink makes me feel good. Plus I felt good from a green perspective because it was refillable. I throw a lot of plastic away with pens, so I figured refillable was a good thing. I buy the pen (a 2-pack) and very quickly blow through the ink on one - I've been writing a lot lately. So I start looking for refills. Turns out that no area store I can find seems to have the refills for this in violet. Black and blue, but no violet. I want violet. I don't ask for much, and I want pretty violet ink. :) So I start looking online. Nobody seems to have that either. Except the Pentel store. Here I'm thinking I can buy a box in bulk of refills. But they sell them individually. The price is right, but now I'm paying for shipping, all the shipping packaging, and the fuel to ship it FedEx Home Delivery to me (the only way they send it). And, I will almost guarantee you that when they arrive on Saturday, all 12 of them will be individually wrapped in their own little shrink-wrap or plastic packages on cardboard, which is more waste. At this point it's probably more economical to just buy more pens and toss the plastic in the landfill. I know it's just a simple little thing, but it seems common these days - you'll make an effort to fix something rather than toss it and find out it'll cost 5 times what it costs to buy a brand new one. We've become such a disposable society, and it makes me sad. I guess all I can do is continue to trudge along and make the best decisions I can make for now.

Office Composting!!

2009-04-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

I am so excited!! I just got an email from our office administrator that they've installed composting bins here in the office! I'm on my way over now to see what the sign says we can compost, but the details don't matter - just the fact that we're doing this is huge! When they appointed a "green committee" last year, I figured it was just some "feel good" thing that they did because they were supposed to, so I'm glad to see this stuff happening.

Water

2009-04-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

I'm laughing here - the Universe can certain be one big trickster! I've been doing my Soul Coaching book, as I've mentioned. Last week focused on the element of Air. It was a breezy, beautiful week where I could get outside and enjoy the feeling of air. Yesterday I started the week that is the element of Water (which has to do with emotions). The weather turned colder and rainy. And then my landlord came, out of the blue, to measure for a new kitchen faucet that has been leaking for a year. And then last night, the bathroom sink clogged up. Bad. Plunging didn't help. Brought up lots of stuff, but still clogged and takes hours to drain. We're going to have to call the landlord to fix it since the sink is unusable as is. Unless I like a swamp in my bathroom. :) Then I read in the Soul Coaching book how, when the author was writing this book, the weather was beautiful and breezy while writing the Air section, but it started raining as soon as she started the Water section. I'm laughing at all this water stuff coming up, especially as I'm dealing with some deep emotions now. I have a history of water issues. We had an apartment once where a severe flood happened in every room except the bedroom. We figured it was only a matter of time (especially with that basement pipe over our heads) and moved out. Let's hope that as I work on Fire and Earth that I don't manifest fires and earthquakes! :)

Integrity After Death

2009-04-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

Sounds morbid, huh? No, I'm not dying. Well, we're all dying eventually I suppose, but no plans anytime soon on my end. :) So I've always had this "thing" about organ donation, as in "I think it's a really great idea, but not for me." I'm sure it has a great deal to do with having typed an autopsy report once in my job - just a little bit too much information about what they do to bodies, that I didn't want them doing anything to mine, thank you very much. So while my husband has always been a proud organ donor on his license, I always say no. And, frankly, always felt guilty about saying no. I've seen my share of ER episodes where the person is saved from the brink of death by a generous organ donor, but I still couldn't do it. Part of it, admittedly, was also my thought that my body is somehow "damaged goods" - sure, I've got lots of health issues, including some autoimmune stuff, and there are probably body parts nobody (medically) would want for transplantation. I guess it was just one more way to justify why I was saying no. Then there was the Monty Python skit on Live Organ Transplants from their Meaning of Life movie where they come to collect an organ from a still-living person - funny in that morbid, tasteless way that only Monty Python can do, but still kinda disturbing, even if you know they won't really do that in real life. So in my Soul Coaching work I'm reading a lot about syncronicity and how there are messages all around us, if only we'd listen. You know, the conversation that you overhear on line at the supermarket that speaks to you, even though they weren't talking to you. Or the song you hear on the radio that speaks to you. And the funny thing is that 3 other times in the past month (before reading about this in Soul Coaching) I had read stuff about these types of messages and syncronicity. So it was like the Universe trying to beat me over the head with making me listen to messages I'm ignoring. In the past few weeks I was watching yet another TV show about someone saved from imminent death by a transplant. Then I went to Green Festival and had a lengthy conversation with a woman on Green Burial, which was rather fascinating. I found the card on Saturday while cleaning and started reading their website which made me think about the integrity of not harming the earth with chemicals now, so why do it when you're dead? And somehow that led me to some gruesome (but fascinating) reading about Sky Burials in Tibet (short, no-gruesome-details version is basically that instead of burial your body is prepared as vulture food, partly so that your death can help sustain life). Then about 2 weeks ago I was waiting for a bus and another one goes by that has a sign on it advertising Donate Life Today, an organization where you can register to donate organs. That's an odd kind of bus advert, don't you think? So then I see a commercial for it the same week (or a blurb on the news, I forget which). And the other day I was walking downtown and saw another bus with the same damned ad on it. So it was like the Universe was screaming "I'm talking to YOU! LISTEN!" I started meditating on it, in the process of my Soul Coaching workbook, and realizing that I keep talking about living a life of integrity. I want to be a healer in this lifetime. So if I want to heal people now, why not also want to heal people after I'm gone? And as for the part about judging whether my organs are worthy, yesterday's Soul Coaching affirmation of the day was "Who I am is enough." I realized that I'm just perpetuating the notion that I am somehow less-than. Let somebody else be the judge after I'm gone. So I made peace with my demons, decided that I will die with the same integrity that I want to live with, and I signed up at the Donate Life Today site to be an organ/tissue donor. Interestingly, a decision that freaked me out for many years was really a non-event in the end, and one that I feel good about. And made me a learn a lot about myself in the process.

Gardening!

2009-04-18T18:23:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe I just spent 6 hours setting up my garden! Today was the most GORGEOUS day. We went out for breakfast and then I decided to take advantage of the day and garden. I never expected it to take that long, but I forgot that my container garden is significantly larger than last year's. And I haven't even gotten to the 3 containers of tomatoes yet! (Still a bit early here in West Seattle for tomatoes . . . if I'd like them to live. :)

I am attempting to grow:

Vegetables

Fennel
Broccoli
Cauliflower
Scallions
Button onions
Spinach
Basil
Romaine Lettuce
Sugar snap peas
(and 3 tomatoes to come)

Fruit:

Alpine strawberries
Regular strawberries
Blueberries

Flowers:

Lavender
Nasturtium
Marigold (2 different ones)
Pansies (5 different types - I'm a pansy freak!)
African daisy
Orange symphony (forget the other name)

It felt very nurturing to have my hands in the soil/compost/fertilizer mix, getting dirty like a little kid, and knowing that I'm growing great vegetables and fruits to nourish myself and my family. The sun was shining and the breeze was light and it was just a most perfect day.

I had plans of finishing the bathroom clutter work today, but I think I need to recharge instead.

I'm so excited about my garden!!

Soul Coaching and Cluttered Bathrooms

2009-04-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned a few days ago, I discovered this really fascinating book called Soul Coaching by Denise Linn. I was in the East West Bookstore and the beautiful picture on the front caught my attention. I don't buy a lot of books lately since I get them from the library. My only exceptions are books that I can't get at the library, or reference-type and/or work books that I will continue to go back to over a period of time.

The subtitle of the book is 28 Days to Discover Your Authentic Self and that really spoke to me. I'm all about personal growth and insight, and I figured this book was right up my alley. This is what the inside cover says about the book:

Soul Coaching is a four-week program dedicated to an in-depth clearing and cleansing of the different aspects of your life: mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. By following the practical, carefully crafted steps presented here, you'll find that you're able to uncover your authentic self. This book is for you if you want to know:
who you are
why you're here
what your mission is
This book is also for you if you're ready to start:
putting your needs before everyone else's
living life at a peaceful, moderate pace
loving yourself
By utilizing the energy of the elements of nature - Air, Water, Fire, and Earth - this program allows you to clear away old blockages so that you can truly begin to hear the secret messages of your soul.

There are affirmations for each of the 28 days, tasks, and lots of stuff to write about. I don't often take a lunch hour, but since starting this book I've decided to take my lunch hour, sit in the beautiful atrium downstairs and spend time doing this work. In the 5 days I've been doing it so far, it's been really illuminating in many ways. And partly why I haven't been posting here - since my energy has been in writing in my "processing journal."

Yesterday's task was about clutter. This is huge for me - I am a cluttered packrat - and it suggested working on clutter in the bedroom or bathroom and I chose the bathroom. There are 3 "levels" you can choose for working the book so you can choose your participation level. Level 1 for this day was to completely clear a small area (like a drawer). Level 2 was to completely clear a larger area. Level 3 was to completely clear an entire room. (I've been doing the book at Level 3.) While doing this, you're supposed to affirm "I am clearing all that I do not need out of my life." I decided to tape that up on the bathroom mirror while working. I got a beautiful scented candle to put in there so that I would make it a special place.

I started with the Level 1 "small area" and chose a bathroom drawer. This is the drawer that is "my drawer" - a giant mess of things like toothpaste, combs, things I go for every day. I dumped the entire drawer and started just tossing things that no longer serve me. Do I love it? Do I need it? No? Gone! Feeling really motivated by a completely clear drawer. I decided to do the other 3 drawers and the under-sink cabinet. And then the medicine cabinet. That was my Level 2 task. I decided for Level 3 that I would clear the entire bathroom, and this meant the dreaded large bathroom closet. I decided before starting that I would not finish today, and I should get to a place I was comfortable with and commit to finishing it on Saturday. So I got rid of all the superfluous crap in the closet, but left it an unorganized mess. I will come back to that tomorrow, along with straightening up the countertop.

While in the closet I found 2 pictures that I used to have on my bathroom walls, but they've been sitting in the closet for 2 years since we moved it. I put them on the countertop with the vow to hang them on Saturday. Then I remembered some carnations I had in the kitchen and I got a small vase and took 3 of them and put them in the bathroom. I want to think of the bathroom as a nurturing, cleansing place. It became very symbolic to me as a place of self-care. It's where I wash and groom myself and look in the mirror and declare whether I am respectable enough to leave the confines of my home. :) How can I truly enjoy the self-care I deserve if the room is a cluttered, disorganized mess that doesn't make me feel good about myself?

My husband, the feng shui aficionado in the family, tells me that this room is in the "creativity" place in my house. That sounds like a good room to clear.

Another day's task had me, in part, commit to taking at least one empowering action per day for the 28 days. I chose two: to meditate for 10 minutes and to clear clutter for 10 minutes. Yesterday's bathroom clutter cleanse certainly went over and above (I was in there 2-1/2 hours!) but the day before I simply set a kitchen timer for 10 minutes and set to work in the kitchen. 10 minutes doesn't seem very overwhelming at all. It's over before you even start. Hopefully this will be a habit that forms over the 28 days; surely I am worth 10 minutes!

Hopefully my Aries nature of diving head-first into projects and then quickly abandoning them doesn't come into play here - I think this Soul Coaching is going to be very helpful to me if I follow through. I know my soul has a lot to say if I'd only take the time to listen!

Mystic Healing Portal

2009-04-13T14:33:00.000-07:00

This is the coolest site! Mystic Healing Portal It's a really beautiful picture (and music) with thoughts on centering yourself and receiving and sending healing energy. Be sure to read the stuff below the photo - you'll probably have to scroll down. I found it on Denise Linn's site about Soul Coaching - this fascinating book that I just started reading and will be sharing about when I get a chance. But this Mystic Healing Portal was too cool to keep to myself! It is a great place to bookmark and go to when overwhelmed.

Garden Planning

2009-04-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

Last year we had a wonderful container garden, about 60% veggies and 40% flowers. I wanted to do more with veggies this year, but haven't had enough energy to think about what I wanted to do. Today I woke up inspired and we had a $10 coupon for the West Seattle Nursery, so out we went. I had no idea that it was going to be their Open House today, so I'm glad we got there early before the huge crowds came. I'd already bought some starts for snap peas, strawberries and spinach at the West Seattle Farmers Market last week. Now I have starts for broccoli, scallions and onions, and also a blueberry bush (tree?). The guy at the nursery said blueberries would do better in the ground (not an option if we want sun), but he recommended one of the smaller ones and we have a large-ish container (the old glass recycling bin that we are no longer required to use), so we'll see what happens. Also picked up tons of soil, compost and mulch, and I've got some new containers I bought last week, on top of the ones we're re-using. Now I just need the energy to prepare the soil (I've got a huge 5+ gallon tub out there that I mixed fertilizer, compost and soil in last year) and actually sit out there and do the planting. I'm also anxiously awaiting the arrival of tomato starts! Still a little cool (and not sunny) in these parts. --------------------------------------- It's now 4 hours later and I just got back from RiteAid - they've got a sale on the plastic pots that I use, and they're 50% off. I don't think I've paid more than 50% of the cost of any of the pots in my garden over the past year or two, which is cool. I hadn't planned on getting more pots, but I got one the other day from RiteAid for tomatoes that I thought was the same size I had, and it ended up being much bigger. And considering that in full bloom my tomato pots were falling over last year, I decided the bigger pot would be better for them, so I got 2 more. Also came home from Junction TrueValue with 2 pots of marigolds (helped with insect control last year with the veggies) and another flower I can't recall the name of. Rite Aid actually did have tomato starts, but I don't know about buying veggie starts from a drugstore. Plus I don't know if planting them outdoors is too early and would kill them. So I still haven't planted anything, but right now I feel like a garden architect - looking at what I want to plant, how many pots I have, what I still want to buy, and what will fit where. I'm starting a list of what pots are available and what will go in each. This is so much fun! My husband pointed out that gardening on Easter Sunday sounds very appropriate, so I think I'll get started tomorrow. I've got an event to be at in 3 hours, so probably not the best time to start getting dirty!

Grief

2009-04-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

In the past week, 3 different alternative practitioners/healers/intuitives - without consulting with the others - have told me that after 7+ years that my next step in healing is to deal with grief in connection with my 9/11 experience. I watched the World Trade Center burn that day from my office 4 miles north in Manhattan. Then I got a closer view, from 2 miles away, while waiting for a ferry to take me to NJ. I arrived in Hoboken, which is across the river from the World Trade Center, and watched some of the survivors of 9/11 being tended to by medics . . . the looks on their faces and how they walked around like zombies, the smell of the burning, the entire experience, has stayed with me. Changed me. A friend from our church lost his son that day. Our spiritual community was never the same. I've never been the same. Did you know it burned for weeks? Smoldered, really. It was a constant smoke miles in the distance; a constant smell of smoke and burning. My lung damage is a constant reminder. Working through this will be hard. I've done the psychotherapy work years ago, but now I need to do the psychic, energetic work. I think that will be harder, in some ways. I'm still trying to figure out what shape that needs to take. I wonder who I will be on the other side of it. I look forward to meeting her.

Defensive Pessimism

2009-04-09T11:58:00.000-07:00

I was reading the March 2009 issue of O Magazine today, and found this fascinating article called Revenge of the Pessimists. The article is online (with a different title, oddly enough) here, but I'm going to cut and paste it here as well:

The Power of Negative Thinking By Tim Jarvis Cheer up. Be happy. Find the silver lining. Smile. If you didn't know any better, you might say we're a country that preaches optimism. But some 30 to 35 percent of Americans employ a calculated form of negative thinking—called defensive pessimism—that can lead to very positive results, according to Julie K. Norem, PhD, a professor of psychology at Wellesley College.
We're not talking about a general disposition to see the glass half-empty: "Defensive pessimism is a strategy used in specific situations to manage anxiety, fear, and worry," says Norem, who has conducted seminal research on the subject. "Defensive pessimists," she says, "prepare for a situation by setting low expectations for themselves, then follow up with a very detailed assessment of everything that may go wrong." Once they've imagined the full range of bad outcomes, they start figuring out how they'll handle them, and that gives them a sense of control.
"What's intriguing about defensive pessimists," adds Lawrence Sanna, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, who has also studied the phenomenon, "is that they tend to be very successful people, and so their low opinion of the outcome isn't realistic; they use it to motivate themselves to perform better." For example, an executive is getting ready to pitch a project, and she thinks beforehand, "The client is going to be really difficult; he's not going to like my proposal. I have to make sure I explain things very clearly." "She uses defensive pessimism as a tool to work through all the possibilities so she's prepared for everything, even failure," Sanna says. "And if she does fail, she's ready for it, so it's not so catastrophic."
If all this sounds familiar (take the quiz to see if you use defensive pessimism), a piece of advice from the experts may give you a lift: Don't listen to appeals from friends or family to look on the bright side. "Research shows that if you pressure defensive pessimists into being optimistic, or try to manipulate their mood, their performance deteriorates," says Andrew J. Elliot, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. One of the most frequent comments Norem got after publishing The Positive Power of Negative Thinking in 2001 was "Thank you. I can finally tell my mother to shut up."

What was fascinating about this article is that it's the first time I've seen an explanation for the a major communication difference between my husband and me. Take, for instance, the recession. We're not having any financial difficulties right now (well, other than debt I'm paying off), but I've been thinking about a lot of "what ifs" about if he loses his job (which is a possibility, albeit a lessening one), how we need to start reigning in our spending, holding onto what we have just in case, building our emergency fund, etc. I do not believe we're going to starve to death on the street, but I want to be prepared. I want to think about the worst case scenario briefly and have a plan of action. He wants to sit with his rose-colored glasses, saying that everything is fine, accuses of me of being in a panic about it, and invoking the Law of Attraction, that by worrying about it, I am going to manifest it. So this was the first time I've ever seen anything that validated my way of thinking and processing, and saying that it could be plausible and actually helpful to some. I'm not saying that defensive pessimism is the best way to go about brainstorming issues, but it seems to be one that I've adopted, for better or worse. Our conversations always made me feel a little bit like I was doing something wrong. But reading this article was actually empowering - knowing it's okay to feel that way. And I see it in action in other areas too. Like on the message boards I frequent to discuss Weight Watchers - we have these little tickers that many of us put on our posts to show our weight progress. I also have a "mini-goal" ticker where I decide I will lose X amount of pounds in X weeks (because it's less overwhelming than seeing that I need to lose 125 to get to goal). I always pick something that is so attainable that it's laughable. Because of my high weight, it's not difficult for me to lose 1 lb. a week or more. But my mini-goal might reflect that I can lose 1 lb. in 2 or 3 weeks. I figure there's more power in blasting through that goal quickly, rather than setting myself up for what happens if I stretch the goal and don't make it. I'm hoping that reading this article will help me feel a little better about myself, since the message I usually get is that I'm wrong in thinking about this. So I'm not wrong. Just different. I like different. :)

Validation

2009-04-08T15:38:00.000-07:00

Someone shared this with me today, so I wanted to pass it on. It's kinda long, but I think it's ultimately worth it, even if it's a bit schmaltzy. :) Reminded me why smiling and validation are important and how they affect everyone around us in unexpected ways.

Temptation

2009-04-08T12:34:00.000-07:00

I was watching Biggest Loser last night, and they had this "temptation challenge" where, in a nutshell, contestants could win the right to control an aspect of the game in exchange for giving up control and (some of them) eating upwards of 4,000 calories on a gamble. Which, in the end, wasn't worth it to any of them, even the winner of the challenge. Made me think a lot about temptations and the power they have over us. I know that when I overcome a temptation, I feel very powerful and mighty. And when I succumb to it, I feel so helpless and pitiful. All comes down to choices, I guess: the choice to give in or the choice to stand ground. I had a really perfect day yesterday on Weight Watchers. I went over my daily points by 1.5, which is fine since I earned 2 activity points, and it balanced out. Totally on program, and I felt really great about that accomplishment. I woke up today, intending to do the same, and feeling really optimistic about the day. So far, so good. I felt strong and powerful, like I can do anything because I didn't let myself down. My boss, who is on the ferry on his way back to the office, called me a short while ago. He's in a huge hurry and asked, if at all possible, could I please run downstairs and get a sandwich for him. So I had to ask him all the detailed questions about his lunch: what type of sandwich, bread, toppings, snacks, drinks, etc. I had lunch with me today (a frozen lasagna meal I'm looking forward to momentarily), so had no intention to go downstairs to get any food. But I didn't mind running the errand for him - it's not something he asks often, and he appreciates it. Before I even hit the sandwich shop, my mind is racing with the temptations. Maybe I can get a sandwich instead of my lasagna? It's frozen and it'll keep until tomorrow. He's getting whole wheat, but I just love that soft, mushy, long white roll they also have. And I could smother it with mayonnaise. Yeah, that's it, mayonnaise and roast beef with cheese. Would bacon go with roast beef? I remind myself that I happen to know that this particular sandwich (sans bacon) is 16 points (1/2 my daily points), and then start thinking about how their chips are really good too. Mind you, I wasn't even hungry 5 minutes earlier. But now I'm thinking about the cookies that they sell too, the ones the size of my head. Part of me is laughing at myself, and the other part of me is like "for real? this is what you want to blow your points on?" So I'm back at the office now, having resisted my temptation. A turkey and cheddar on whole wheat sits on his desk, and I'm sitting here typing instead. I feel really proud for resisting all of that. Mind you, none of those things are "bad" or "wrong" choices on Weight Watchers - it's just a matter of deciding what I want to spend those points on. And that wasn't it. I took control and I made my choice. I guess it's a bit scary sometimes that we (or at least I) can be so tempted by things. Is temptation just part of being human? Is it a character flaw? Guess it doesn't matter, but sometimes I like to intellectualize stuff like that. It is scary though when you see people who, like on Biggest Loser, have lost over 100 pounds, and they can still be tempted to indulge in a massive binge when they lose sight of what the real reward is. I guess another question is, why is a giant bowl of lettuce never, ever going to be a temptation? LOL! I remember years ago in a Weight Watchers meeting, a new member was shocked that carrots were a "free" food (didn't have to count them in that particular plan, and they were essentially "unlimited"). She got all excited and the leader said to her "girlfriend, I didn't get fat by bingeing on carrots." We all burst out laughing, but it's true. That said, I've got some carrots in the fridge, and a lasagna destined for the microwave. Enjoy your choices today!

Good Day, Good Food

2009-04-07T19:11:00.000-07:00

Why is it so easy to forget that good food tastes good?! I've been having a really great WW day today. I've stayed between my points, I've thought about my choices, I didn't eat 90% of my points by lunch time. All good! So I get home from work around 5 and am really, really tired. I sat down and started reading my WW materials (which I realized I never, ever read in the 10 weeks they were handing them out). I thought that it would be good to look at the plan as a beginner, not a "know it all" who doesn't need to read the stuff. So obviously it was such riveting reading - LOL! - that I started napping in the middle of it. I woke up 20 minutes later to a kitty looking for dinner, and I was bored and I was tired and I was really hungry, and all I could think of was how I wanted pizza. Sure, I could make pizza work. Tuesday is my weigh-in day, so my Points re-set. I could go into my 35 extra weekly points for it. But I don't want to make that choice today. I start thinking about dinner, but I'm getting frantic because I want it NOW. I never should've let my blood sugar drop like that, but I did, and now I was going to find a reasonable way to deal with it. I rummaged through the freezer and found a bag of frozen broccoli. I tossed it in the microwave steamer, waited my 7 minutes or so for it, put about 1-1/2 cups on a plate with about 1-1/2 tbsp. of shredded parmesan on it, and sat down to eat it. I decided this would take the edge off my hunger so I could make an informed, decent decision about how to proceed with my Points choices. I forgot how much I love shredded parmesan, and how little it took to make the broccoli nice. After eating that, and feeling less starving, I decided to boil some potatoes. I hate that I keep buying potatoes and throwing them in the yard waste after they become science experiments. I love potatoes. I love cooking potatoes. But I'm lazy, and I hate that I'm wasting the food, and I hate that I've disrespected the farmers who grew those potatoes when I waste them, and I hate that people are going hungry while I throw out food I could've eaten if not for the fact that I made a different choice on a different day. But I digress. I boiled some potatoes and then took out a package of veggie burgers (tomato basil flavor) and microwaved that while I waited for the potatoes to cook. I often do what I call "eating in shifts": eating one part of my meal (veggies), then eating my protein, then eating my carb, one after the other as I cook them. It's weird, but it works sometimes. I ate my veggie burger, and then waited for the potatoes to finish. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with them. I boiled them until they were very soft and decided to pseudo-mash them. Nothing fancy. Salt, pepper, a little bit of olive oil/butter spread (we make it from scratch) and a dash of oat milk. It was lumpy, but it was warm and satisfying. I am happy, I am full. And, believe it or not, I've still got 4.5 points left for the day! I'll wait until later in the evening and find something fun to eat , like maybe some popcorn with real butter instead of the packing-peanut-style popcorn I usually eat. Tuesday is Biggest Loser night, and for some reason when I watch that show (about a bunch of morbidly obese people struggling to lose weight), I feel as if I want to eat the junkiest crap on the planet. I know a few people who say the same thing, interestingly enough. So Tuesday is a good day to have extra points for an indulgence. It feels really good to have had a good day food-wise and to care enough about myself that I took the time to make myself some good food. And to make leftovers so I can have more another day! I'm especially glad that I didn't let my WW meeting today discourage me. I showed up for the first time in 2 weeks. I knew it wouldn't be pretty. And it wasn't - I gained 2.8 pounds. But it's okay. It's cause and effect: eat like crap, don't exercise, gain weight. :) But I know what I have to do and I feel really optimistic about it now. That's a good day!

Loving Kindness

2009-04-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

May I be filled with loving kindness. May I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy. May you be filled with loving kindness. May you be well. May you be peaceful and at ease. May you be happy. May we be filled with loving kindness. May we be well. May we be peaceful and at ease. May we be happy.

Amazing what 20 minutes in the sun (meditating on these words) can do for your outlook on life and the day. Keep breathing!

Loving and Loathing

2009-04-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

Those two words sound like they're almost the same word, although I don't believe the etymology of one has anything to do with the other. And they're certainly opposites, aren't they? They popped into my brain while thinking of self-love and self-loathing, in terms of how I'm treating myself this past week. I don't loathe myself, per se, but I'm certainly not treating myself with much love. I guess disappointed is a better word - disappointed in how I'm treating myself and knowing that I'd never treat another person I loved the way I treat me. And if I'm to love myself, then why don't I deserve the same as I'd give another? Today I'm specifically talking about food. I've struggled for about 2 weeks with Weight Watchers and food in general. I'm eating things that aren't good for me, in mass quantities, and I feel bloated, run-down, tired and just plain miserable. Yesterday I woke up and said ENOUGH! - I am going to get back on track. And I did. Until 6pm. I was craving. Bad. I was by myself and didn't know what to do with myself. So I got into the car. I started going to drug stores. My sister and I have this obsession with shopping in drug stores. Seriously, we could spend 3 hours in one and spend hundreds of dollars on crap. (Don't ask - I don't get it either :) So I did go to Walgreens with intent to buy one particular item (which they had). I kept looking at all the junky food on the shelves. I made myself walk away and say no, you don't want that. Oh, but yes I did! I wanted it very badly. So now I'm craving and feeling deprived. Not good. I managed to get out of Walgreens with only $20 spent. I decided I wanted pizza. So I drove down to Gionnoni's in Westwood Village. Then I saw Rite Aid and decided I "needed" to go there. In all fairness, I did forget something I needed at Walgreens and picked it up. Was temped by stuff again, but got out of there with only $15 spent. Went next door for pizza. I wanted one slice, but wanted it with like 18 servings of pepperoni and cheese on it. I compromised and got canadian bacon, basil and fresh garlic. It was good and I enjoyed it, and it was dinner time. But now I wanted more of something else not good for me. And telling myself "well, you blew your WW points anyway, so what the hell." I drove around aimlessly for half an hour, not sure where the car was taking me. I settled on Cafe Ladro and as I was circling up from the south on Fauntleroy Way, past the ferry dock, I realized it was sunset and here was Lincoln Park. I thought maybe I should feed by soul rather than my belly. It was nice. I sat on a bench and felt the wind in my hair and watched the sun set over the mountains, smelling the beach smells and hearing the comforting sound of the Vashon Ferry taking off. Birds were singing. It was really quite nice. But still, it wasn't enough and I still ended up in Cafe Ladro. At least I came home and tracked all my points. And frankly, it was better than much of the week. I'm trying not to look at the day as a failure. I woke up today and decided to stay on track again. Considering it's 1pm and I've got 5 points left, that's unlikely. But I can do the best I can. My week starts up on Tuesdays usually (when I go to a meeting and weigh in), and I'll look at today as a dress rehearsal for tomorrow. A transition, if you will. "They" say awareness is half the battle. Well, I'm plenty aware of a lot of what I do - the eating for emotions, boredom, stress, etc. But that awareness doesn't ever seem to stop it, does it? I feel like there's some big key to the knowledge of the Universe that is escaping me. I feel like I'm too hard on myself sometimes, and other times not hard enough. I don't know what the hell I'm rambling about now, quite honestly. LOL! I guess I'm feeling trapped in that place of (self) loving and (self) loathing, like being stuck in quicksand and not sure whether to sink or swim. I want to swim. Honestly. But I think sometimes I forget how.

Living Matrix Followup - Thoughts & Health

2009-04-04T23:02:00.000-07:00

The other day I was wrote a post about the Living Matrix movie that I had ordered. I got home from a day trip and found it in my mailbox - that came quick! I have a habit off getting really great stuff and then saving it for "later" and never following up on it (like the Try It On Everything DVD about EFT [emotional freedom technique] that I'm dying to watch, and I've been looking at the outside of the box for 2 months!), so I decided to watch it tonight before I forgot about it. I've done a lot of studying, reading, and personal alternative healing work, so the concepts of thought affecting our health really was not a new one for me. But I think it was very helpful in having it all reinforced in one place, and there were some things I learned, so it's all good. I've seen the miracle of thought/health interaction in my own life. About 8-10 years ago I had a benign thyroid tumor. I did energy healing, visualization and chakra work, and it disappeared. And more recently, I had a potentially serious health challenge where my body was filled with enlarged lymph nodes, and my doctors (and friends/family) were convinced I had lymphoma and was going to die. I rejected all of it. I had no intention of getting or dying from lymphoma. I simply did not accept it as an outcome. I did a lot of work on myself in alternative fields surrounding this. And not only did they not turn out to be cancerous, but I stopped having all the symptoms they'd been causing me. Are they still enlarged? Don't know, don't care. :) I think about the labels that I put on myself. I have often referred to myself as disabled. I've been stopping that lately. I'm a person who has occasional pain (which is pretty good since it used to be constant), but I am not going to manifest disability. What benefit does the label give me? Does it get me pity or sympathy or special benefits? Does it identify me with a special club of people that makes me better than someone else? The title no longer serves me as an identifier, and I'm rejecting it. [Okay, I'll admit I'm not rejecting the handicapped parking permit I've been issued, but if I don't need it on a particular day, I don't use it and save the spot for someone else.] I don't discount those who are sick or dealing with health challenges, nor think they "brought it on themselves" with negative thinking, etc. I think it's all very complex and everyone's got a different journey in regard to it. What works for me doesn't necessarily work for others. All I can do is follow the path that's right for me, and if someone wants to take something from it for themselves, that's great. And if someone wants to suggest something else that's worked for them, that's fine too. There was one woman in the Living Matrix movie that talked about having a brain tumor of some sort, and how she spent a lot of time working with Neuro-Linguistic Programming and in part she learned to accept the tumor into her life and body and ask what it was there to teach her. I'm not doing NLP, but I've been exploring lately what my health challenges are here to teach me in this lifetime. Yes, sometimes it really sucks. But I think that in general I've gotten good things from many of those challenges. They've made me more aware of self-care and different options available to me. It's made me more compassionate to others suffering from challenges. It's helped me to be introduced to some great modalities, one of which I'm learning so I can practice on myself and others. Sure, life would be easier without the challenges, but I can see where they've shaped me into a better person that I might not otherwise be. It's an interesting perspective. It's late and I'm rambling a bit, so I think I'll close this up. Hope this made some sense to somebody!

Breathe!

2009-04-03T13:59:00.001-07:00

(from a painting by Jody Uttal)

I have a friend who's always reminding me to Breathe! when I get a bit crazy. Isn't it silly that we need to be reminded to breathe? But it turns out it's true - we get crazy and out of balance and then forget to breathe. At least I do. But I'm betting you do too. :)

I've been off work a few days and trying to remember to breathe. And like most messages in my life, stuff keeps coming at me from many different angles, as if the Universe is screaming at me to say "listen to me dammit! I'm talking to YOU!" So when that starts to happen, I start to listen. I've learned the Universe is pretty darned wise, and pretty wise at reminding me that I'm wise too!

Yesterday I was at one of my favorite stores, the East West Bookstore which is such a calming place to me and it makes you want to breathe just to walk in the door. They even had a cute April Fools joke - that they were selling jars for $5 filled with "East West Bookstore Essence" - that if you opened the jar and breathed deeply, it would bring you the serenity of being in the bookstore. While there, I saw on their 50% off table this product called Healing Rhythms from The Wild Divine Project. It's kinda like a video game with a biofeedback machine that shows you how you're regulating your heart rate and body response by regulating your breath. I've seen it advertised for years, but it's a bit pricey at around $300, and frankly you don't really need it to breathe or relax or anything, but sometimes structure is good. If you're more likely to hook yourself up to a biofeedback machine and follow a computer prompt to breathe/meditate for a bit, then it's probably not a bad thing to do.

So I haven't bought this because $300 is really not in my budget. But at 50% off, and a tax refund that arrived today, I decided to pick it up. I'll have to let you know how it goes - for now, it's helping me to focus on the fact that I need to breathe, and that's a good thing!

Then I log on and see today's Daily Om, and the subject is Breathing Into Order - Feeling Overwhelmed. Here's today's topic on that:

Sometimes we may feel like there is just too much we need to do. Feeling overwhelmed may make it seem like the universe is picking on us, but the opposite is true: we are only given what we can handle. Difficult situations are opportunities to be our best selves, hone our skills and rise to the occasion.
The best place to start is to take a deep breath. As you do, remind yourself that the universe works in perfect order and therefore you can get everything done that needs to get done. As you exhale, release all the details that you have no control over. The universe with it‘s infinite organizing power will orchestrate the right outcome. Anytime stress begins to creep up, remember to breathe through it with these thoughts.
Then, make a list of everything you need to do. Note what needs to be done first, and mark the things others may be able to do for you or with you. Though we often think no one else can do it correctly or well, there are times when it is worth it to exhale, let go of our control, and ask for help from professionals or friends. With the remaining things that feel you must do yourself, take another breath and determine their true importance. Sometimes they are things we’d like to do, but aren’t really necessary. After taking these quick steps, you will find you have a plan laid out, freeing you from frenzied thoughts circling in your head. With calming deep breaths, you are now free to focus more fully on our priorities. Herbal teas or flower remedies along with wise choices about caffeine and food can help keep us from becoming frantic too. But with nothing further from us than our breath, we can breathe in our best intentions and let the rest go with an exhale. Keeping ourselves centered and breathing into and through life’s challenges helps us learn what we are truly capable of doing, and we will find we have the ability to rise to any occasion. Remember you aren’t being picked on, and you are never alone.

I found it really quite funny that it also mentioned . . . wise choices about caffeine and food can help keep us from becoming frantic too - my food has been absolutely out of control the past week and I've been reminding myself that I don't do as well when the food isn't as good. Here's one more reminder to focus me on that, along with the breath.

I deserve to feel good. I deserve to get the best out of life that I possibly can. I'm well aware that I can be my own worst enemy in this regard.

For now, I will breathe. And hopefully the rest will follow.

Silicone as a Substitute for Plastics?

2009-04-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

Following up on my post on Plastics, I was wondering if anybody reading has any idea if there are dangers in using silicone kitchen items instead of plastics? All of my mixing/stirring spoons are plastic/nylon. I want to replace them. I've never liked wood spoons much (don't work well in the dishwasher, and if one is the type to soak stuff, like I do, it's not the best idea to soak wood for that long). I don't want metal since they'll damage my pots. I've been seeing silicone spoons lately and keep hearing how they're FDA recommended, yada yada, but then all I can think about is how we keep hearing that silicone breast implants have issues. So is replacing plastic/nylon utensils with silicone any better? I'm having trouble googling anything reliable on it and wondered if anybody has any thoughts on the subject?

Reducing Plastics

2009-04-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

As a former Tupperware salesperson, my house is just filled to the rafters with plastic items. Tupperware is pretty good quality, and with the consultant discounts, I got some great deals on stuff that should've lasted pretty much forever. Not a bad deal, huh? Well, until I started hearing about the dangers of plastics from a Green perspective. And, specifically, the dangers of BPAs (Bisphenol-A) and what happens when plastic is heated with food in it and the dangers that can come from it. I really liked this article (pdf) that describes issues with BPAs potentially altering hormones, and the different types of plastics and their dangers. The Tupperware that was heating my food in comes under the worst category of plastics in terms of safety (or lack thereof). As part of going Green, I've wanted to get rid of the plastics in my home that I use for cooking and eating. (Our dishes were Tupperware as well, so I'm constantly reheating things on them.) But when you're also trying to safe money, not go into debt, and spend money wisely, it does seem stupid to spend money to replace something that is perfectly good and useful. But it came down to caring for my health (which I do) versus how "perfectly good" the products were in line with my values. I've been slowly replacing stuff. We went to the Corningware store at North Bend outlet stores about 6 months ago and bought a few food storage containers to see how they would work for us. And then we went to another store and bought glass drinking glasses to replace the plastic ones. My husband is like a bull in a china shop, so I worried about him with glass. But it's gone well and I was ready to go to the next level. I went back a few weeks ago and bought some more storage containers, plus they had a sale on some baking dishes and I bought some of them. The last thing to replace was the dishes. We argued over what was an attractive Corelle pattern to buy, and did we really want to spend $80-$100 to replace "perfectly good" (plastic) dishes. Today we were out and about and went to the Auburn Supermall and the Corningware/Corelle outlet. I am still in awe that we agreed on dishes and they were on sale! This is what we ended up with, a pattern called Shadow Grasses. We also learned that comparing Corelle prices and boxes is like comparing apples and oranges. Apparently some 16 piece, service for 4, boxes contain large and medium plates. Some contain large and small plates. So you'd find something that looked like a good deal, but then find out it had saucers that you didn't need/want and if you had to add to it with open stock, it wasn't really worth it. So we were sitting there like the geeks were were, adding things up on our PDA calculators, trying to figure the best deal. Then we saw this pattern, saw that the 16 piece set had large and medium plates (which we wanted), and that because it was on sale, it cost as much to buy 2 sets of them as what we were going to do with another pattern, which was buy a set of 4 and then a few open stock pieces to get service for 6. So I'm happy with our purchase and I'm listening to the dishwasher purr along, cleaning our new dishes! I'm going to be taking the Tupperware and putting it aside for our church garage sale. I'm sure there are a lot of people who want some good prices on Tupperware and who don't care (or know) about the plastic issues. We'll probably give away the new Corelle mugs too - we have more than enough mugs. Perhaps, since they're brand new, we can hold onto them for the church auction in the fall - those are more new, pricey items than a garage/rummage sale. We'll see.

Spiritual Health

2009-03-30T14:51:00.000-07:00

A good gauge of spiritual health is to write down the three things that you most want. If they differ in any way, you are in trouble. ~ Rumi

I love how these messages keep popping up in my daily life. If I'm scattered in the things I truly want, and am not even sure what they are, how will the Universe lead me to them?

The Living Matrix

2009-03-30T11:59:00.001-07:00

I just heard about this movie today from a like-minded friend and immediately ordered a copy of it: I truly believe that we can manifest things, including our own health (or lack thereof). For instance, I had some health challenges last year where it was believed by more than one doctor that the outcome was bad. Very bad. I refused to believe it. I believed that I was perfectly well. And that's exactly what happened. Do I believe that those who get sick do so because they will it on themselves? No. But I think that, like Law of Attraction, the attitudes we have about things definitely affect us. Technically, I am disabled. But I decided a while ago that I refused to let those "disabilities" define me. I am going to reject these labels. They really don't serve me well. And since deciding that, I've been in far better health than I've been in a long time. So I'm excited about this movie because I want more people to hear these types of messages. And anyone reading who knows me personally - just ask and I'll lend the movie to you after I've seen it. I want it to reach as many people as it can. Positive self-talk is something I definitely need to do some more work on. I'm far from perfect. I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine once - at the time I wasn't supposed to be drinking dairy nor coffee. So I was remarked to my friend how I was sitting with a latte and, while drinking it I was laughing and saying "this stuff is going to kill me." It was a joke. But the Universe doesn't hear it as a joke. It hears that I'm putting something in my body that is harmful to me. That's not really a very good message to be telling myself, and I'm grateful to my friend for pointing it out. I was joking about it, but hadn't really thought about the ramifications of it. Hopefully the movie will live up to my expectations. I try to remember to update about it when I've seen it.

Green Festival and Green Living

2009-03-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

Today I took the bus downtown to the Green Festival being held at the Washington State Convention Center. It was one of those things that I was really interested in, but didn't really know if I wanted to pay $15 to get into an event which, no doubt, would be filled with things that people were trying to sell to me. But a few weeks ago I had been shopping at PCC Natural Market and on my receipt there was a free admission ticket. So I figured what the heck, I might as well go - especially since I get a free bus pass through work and could use that to get there. Sustainability and green living is certainly trendy these days. I often wonder how many people are into it because they truly believe in it, or because they think "everybody" needs to do it and wonder what people will think of them if they don't, or just because they need a new bandwagon to jump on. The place was packed today, and it seemed that if somebody was giving something away for free, then they wanted it. Didn't matter what it was, they wanted it. They'd also run you down for a free [whatever]. It was kinda amusing, in a sad sort of way. People also seemed to be very self-involved - so here they are wanting to think about the world, environment, etc., and yet they lacked any awareness of the fact that they were totally blocking aisles, access to exhibit tables, etc. Very interesting social experiment. I was at one booth where I wanted to buy some t-shirts and the saleswoman asked me if I wanted a bag. I said no thanks, I had brought my own. (I figured that if I was going to a Green Festival, I should probably show up with a reusable bag and "walk my talk.") While they were waiting for my credit card to process, another woman walks up and is asked the same thing. She took the bag, and then asked what the bag was made out of. The saleswoman explained that it was made out of corn. So, bag-less woman says to her, in the most condescending tone imaginable, "but it's made from GMO [genetically modified] corn, right?" The saleswoman is apologizing and was explaining how yes, it was GMO corn, but it's the best we can do right now and it's a better choice still than plastic. What really annoyed me about this exchange is the attitude of the woman judging the bag - now, if you're really that concerned with the source materials of the free bag you're being given, then perhaps you might show up with your own reusable bag? I just got the impression that she was trying to show that she knew something the rest of us didn't know and was going to judge us all. I don't know what ultimately happened with her and the bag, nor do I suppose I really care in the end. But I just wish people would be more concerned with their own actions and not judge others. I believe very much in sustainability and green living. But I'm also a busy, working person who wants simplicity, and often wants it cheap. So sometimes I know that another choice would a better one for my own values, but I'll take the less-than-ideal choice because it's cheaper or faster. In a perfect world I'd make the "right" choice every time. But I often don't. And I don't need anybody giving me those snotty looks or attitudes because I'm allegedly not as good as them. I try the best I can, and if I make one "better" choice, it's better than none. I think people also forget that recycling is great, but so is reducing our waste to begin with, whether it can be composted and/or recycled. At this Green Festival there was no lack of paper that I could come home with - everybody wanted to shove a free magazine or flyer in my hand. But I chose to be very particular with what I came home with. For one thing, I didn't need a 10 pound bag of paper to drag home on the bus. But if it's not interesting to me or necessary, why do I need it? Save it for someone who does need/want it. So I did come home with 2 t-shirts. I didn't really need any shirts, but I really liked the message on the two of them, and decided that I wanted to put that message out there and stand behind it. The shirts were by Northern Sun, which has a lot of cool, progressive, liberal shirts. Any t-shirt company that actually has a Unitarian Universalist category on their site is pretty cool! So this is what I ultimately came home with:

I especially liked the latter shirt; I heard this quote about a week ago for the first time, and it really spoke to me. It's really important for me to remember to lead by example and not worry about what anybody else is doing.

Adventures With Au Jus

2009-03-25T16:30:00.000-07:00

I decided that despite having lunch with me today, I wanted something different. So on my way back to the office from my favorite credit union, I stopped at Quizos. Quiznos is kinda overrated, in my humble opinion, and kinda expensive, but I took a liking to them when they had those spongemonkey commercials: I swear that the line about "they've got a pepper bar!!!" will continue to haunt my memories! LOL! But I digress. I order a sandwich that I enjoy, the Steakhouse Beef Dip, and the ingredients are supposed to be "Roast Beef, Swiss, French Onion Sauce, Pan-Roasted Au Jus." I've had this quite a lot, so I know what the Au Jus is supposed to look like. And I know what Au Jus looks like in general - kinda like a cup of bouillon. But not this time. This time it looks like mole sauce. It looks like really dark chocolate soup. I'm scared; I ain't eating that stuff, so I set it aside. I'm eating my sandwich and there's a burned section of bun on it. So I tear it off and dip it into the au jus, just to see if it's really as thick as it looks. Yes, it has coated the bread like when you dip strawberries in chocolate. I leave it there in the au jus and continue to eat my sandwich. It does not soak up the au jus. This is curious, as au jus is liquid, and bread should be soaking it up. But the bread sits there on the au jus like a stranded life raft. Now I feel like experimenting. I tear off a piece of napkin. Surely, the napkin will soak it up; it's liquid after all. Nope. The napkin actually sits on top of it. This stuff has the viscosity of really dirty motor oil. I finish my sandwich and still the bread and the napkin are sitting on top of this "liquid." I'm sitting there laughing at the whole situation, and the sad fact that this is supposed to be food. I'm grateful that something so ridiculous could put a smile on my face and make an otherwise boring lunch kinda fun. I do think, however, that I'm gonna lay off the Quiznos for a while. I don't need any more surprises!

Tulips

2009-03-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

It was brought to my attention that next week begins the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival. We went 2 years ago, and while really beautiful, it's not the type of thing I'd run to every year, especially with the crowds. I was on my computer here at work, looking for a photo of something else, and decided to share this one of when we went to last went to see the tulips. I thought that maybe if I manifest spring flowers, spring will come along too!

Gratitude

2009-03-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's rantings, I don't think that it's any coincidence that in the last 24 hours I've been bombarded with messages from the Universe about gratitude. I keep seeing articles on it, references to books, and a beautiful quotation on a dear friend's Facebook page that suggests (paraphrasing) that if you're not grateful for what you have, how can you have room in your life for anything else to come to you? That really made me take a step back. It's so easy to complain about the problems in one's life, worry about the things that haven't even happened yet. (At least it is for me.) But we really have many things to be grateful for. And yes, I believe everyone does, no matter what the situation is - even if you lost all your money and you were living in a box on a street corner, I'd like to think you could still be grateful that you were alive. This made me think back to when my partner got laid off in 2001. Of course it sucked at the time, and we were in this pitiful mindset about our bad luck. And then a few weeks later, on 9/11/01, two planes plowed into the building in which he would've been getting off a train for work, and possibly having a building collapse on him . . . had he still been working. I've never been so grateful for a layoff in my life! Amazing how your perspective can change so suddenly sometimes! And that quote made me think about how, if I was giving a gift to a friend, I would hope to get some acknowledgement of it. I don't mean they have to gush over it and tell me I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread; but if you don't even get a smile or a simple "thank you" for it, I wouldn't necessarily be motivated to continue giving them things. So, in that respect, why would the Universe want to continue to give me things if I'm not grateful for what I've already got? Hmmm . . . If we go back to the Law of Attraction, gratitude is also relevant. LoA suggests that if we focus on something, we manifest it - whether good or bad. So if I sit here and complain about not having something, that lack of something is going to be what is manifested. Wouldn't you rather have more of what you're already grateful for? I think it's time to start that gratitude list or journal that I keep threatening to do.

Financial Hauntings

2009-03-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

It's only now that I'm in my mid-40s that I've got a handle on my finances. Or have I? In my earlier years (my late teens/20s), I had great issues with money. Money would leave my hands as fast as it arrived, and I was living greatly above my means. I never thought it was a problem; sure, I understood about the interest and fees and how my credit was costing me more than I had charged. But as long as I could make the minimum payment, there was no problem. (At least that's what I deluded myself into believing.) Even as I had charged up a year's salary of crap. I was spending money to make up for the self-worth I didn't have, to feel better, to treat friends, all things to prop me up in the world and make me a better person. Took a lot of therapy to undo a lot of that. I managed to rack up about $40,000 in debt at the time. Everyone told me to go bankrupt. Sure, I could've had some accountant finagle things so that I could qualify. But I did have ethics about money; I charged it, I would pay it. I went to a credit counselling service. Unfortunately, I didn't know about them what I know now, and they actually messed up my credit badly because while I was paying as agreed, certain credit cards put on my credit report that I was paying less than the amount I owed originally, so it showed me at 3 years with past due payments. It was awful. But I paid back every last cent and felt really good about that. And then, having learned no lessons about anything, I ran up another $50,000 in debt. So that is when I started going through the therapy stuff and learned why I did what I did. And I started paying things back and not charging stuff up. I met my partner during this time. He was very fiscally responsible. He had no debt. I was terrified as our relationship progressed, and we thought about marriage, because I had to admit to him the mess I was in. I was afraid he'd run for the hills. But I admitted it to him, and he understood. I swore to him never, ever would he pay a dime of what I owed to anybody else. In all the years we've been together, we keep our money entirely separate as a result. I want no chance of him taking over my debts; I was responsible for their creation and I will be solely responsible for their demise. So over the years he did lend me money to pay some stuff off - we run a spreadsheet with what I owe him (interest free) and I do take over some household expenses (like car payments) where he then deducts what I've "paid back" to him. I hadn't fully stopped charging things because we kept moving for one reason or another, and that always racked up some expected and unexpected expenses. So we've finally settled into one place with no intention to move (unless my landlord decides otherwise). We were doing very well with the finances. For about 2 years now I have accumulated no new debt. And I've played some mean balance-transfer roulette, getting $25,000 on a card at 4.9% for life. Things were going pretty well. My partner got a raise, a promotion and a bonus. We found out a week ago that he was also due to get something from his grandfather's estate. Despite the recession, we're in industries that are doing very well on the misfortune of others, so I haven't been particularly concerned with losing jobs or anything. The bills were being paid off. I was happy. Then we find out that my partner's company went into Chapter 11. I was concerned. He, having "drunk the kool-aid" kept telling me and everyone else that it was "business as usual" and that his job was safe. I wasn't so sure. I have inside information into what happens with that stuff, and it isn't always what they tell their employees. We keep on with out own "business as usual," paying down things as quickly as we can. And now we found out late yesterday that the "business as usual" with his company has now morphed into carving up the damn thing and selling it off to the highest bidder. Which means his job is in jeopardy because of the department he is in. Oh, that department is very much in demand, and will mostly stay together. But the problem is that he works remotely. They want that part of the company for their proximity to a certain industry . . . which is 3,000 miles from us. But he's gullible. He still things that they're telling him great things and all will be well. I think he's being gullible and idealistic. If they're selling off a division and want it intact, why would they tell people they're losing jobs so they can all flee and then the division isn't profitable to the new company? They're no dummies. So I'm worried. Very worried. I'm the type of person who takes in the crap of the world, whether it affects me or not. And this does affect me indirectly. And I'm worried for a friend who got a job in this company through my partner recently (although he tells me that our friend's job is probably far more secure than his own [in his opinion; we know nothing for sure] due to what he does - which I hope is the case, as he has a family to support). The last time my partner got laid off, he was out of work nearly 2 years. And now we're in a recession, so that doesn't bode well for him. I try to subscribe to the Law of Attraction - that which you worry about will happen because you've manifested it. I'm really trying not to worry. Honest. But it's hard. We're human, you know? When you are bombarded every day with the stories of people's hardship all around you, how can you feel secure? And honestly, it's hard not to feel annoyed by the fact that every time I seem to get ahead financially, something happens to mess that up. I know we won't end up homeless or starve to death. I know that - truly. During the long layoff last time (5 years ago) we learned we could live off a lot less than we thought we could. And while I've been in pay-down mode, I'll admit that money was still being spent a little more freely than it could have been -- too many meals out, too many lattes, etc. So that can be reigned in. For now, we're trying not to panic. We're looking at ways to start reigning in expenses now, without running scared. I'm trying not to focus on this. Yes, I know it doesn't seem like it, having just written a lengthy post bitching about it - LOL! But I feel like I need to purge it - I need to type about it and name my fears so that they can't control me. I need to be able to support him without him knowing how freaked out I am. So I will go to work each day and do the best job I can, earn my money, think more about how I spend it, and continue to pay things off. We'll manage, no matter what happens. Hopefully I will have nothing to worry about. I am going to work on manifesting abundance. Thanks for listening to my rantings.

In Line With Spirit

2009-03-18T11:45:00.001-07:00

I love that I decided to link to the Daily Om readings on this blog. Because even though I get them emailed to me every day, I admittedly don't always open them. But when I open my blog to post, it's right there, staring me in the face. And today's topic made me laugh. It's called In Line With Spirit - Staying on Track. This is a lot of what this blog is about for me. I've got a lot to say about spiritual journeys (another time, when I can do it justice), but this particular section of that topic really jumped out at me:

In our efforts to be as productive as possible, however, our spiritual needs tend to take a backseat. After all, taking care of our spiritual needs doesn’t directly pay the bills or tone our abdominal muscles. We may even wonder who has time to meditate or write in their journal when there are more pressing matters to see to. The truth is that nurturing ourselves spiritually is what gives us the energy and grounding that we need to make sure that our lives stay on track.

I believe that there are no coincidences. This is what I needed to hear today. It's like my trip through the labyrinth earlier this month (which I'm not even sure if I wrote about here . . . I'll have to remedy that if I didn't), where spirit speaks to me and says "shut up and pay attention" and I just go about my day, wondering why spirit doesn't speak to me because I'm too busy with my Monkey Mind to actually be hearing it more than at a superficial level. I highly recommend that you read today's Daily Om about Spirit. Even if you're not a religious person (and I'm not), I think it is helpful to remember for self-care. When I speak of Spirit, by the way, I don't mean God/Goddess/Allah/etc., so don't let the titles frighten you off. :)

Positive Shifts

2009-03-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned before briefly, I'm doing Weight Watchers. I have joined it literally 30 times. Seriously. No exaggeration. Sometimes I would wonder why I even tried. God knows how much money, time and energy I've put into it. So I rejoined WW back in October. I lost 10 pounds pretty quickly, and then have essentially spent the next 4 months gaining and losing 5 pounds. I was playing games. I'd still go to meetings, and go off-program, make excuses, and try again "tomorrow." Uh huh. That was working well. Not! About 3 weeks ago, something clicked. I got tired of the games. I belong to a great WW message board called Bootcamp Buddies which is a group of people doing WW without the whining and games that you see on the official WW message boards. On the BCB boards I found a buddy who also has 100+ pounds to lose, and we email each other daily to check in and be accountable, in addition to our posting on the boards. Making it more personal with an individual has helped a lot in terms of accountability. So the two of us have had really great weeks. For those of you not familiar with the workings of Weight Watchers, they calculate "Points" for all their foods. Essentially, the higher fat and lower fiber an item is, the higher the points will be. You have a certain amount of Points you can eat per day, and then you get 35 extra for the week, to spend as you like. And you earn more Points for exercise that you do. Last week was really tough for me. I know that I enjoy eating out, and on the weekends especially I like to have a much looser program filled with treats. So I tend to spend a majority of my 35 weekly points and my activity points on the weekend. That means I can go out and eat some big, sloppy meal somewhere, or a big piece of cheesecake (which could be 15+ points in itself). I enjoy that, I fit it into my schedule, and I lose weight. Perfect. Except for last week. Earlier in the week I had some mini-binges, which means I ate a lot more points than I have in a given day. Which means that they had to come out of the weekly points. I was annoyed with myself, but I was being honest and tracking all of it and deducting the points. But what this meant was that I hit the weekend with just about nothing extra (maybe 5 points, instead of the 40+ I'd normally have). I wanted to go check out this new Italian restaurant here in West Seattle, Cafe Revo, but I couldn't because I didn't have enough points to get what I wanted to eat there. Instead I ate some nasty Costco sushi that I didn't want. Then we went to Elliot Bay Brewery Pub and I wanted a burger, but had to settle on grilled chicken for a lower point option. Both times I felt so deprived, so angry with myself. But then I decided to reframe my attitude. I wasn't being deprived; I had simply decided earlier in the week to make different choices. I still got my 40+ extra points - I chose to use them before the weekend. Did I like this choice? No! Do I now know what to do to make sure it never happens again? Yes! I was very proud of myself that I got through the weekend (and Monday - my weekly points reset Tuesday morning) without eating anything I wasn't entitled to eat. And boy, was I tempted! On Monday night I had 1 point left for the week. I wanted cookies SO badly, but it was 2 points. In the past I would've said screw it, it's just 1 point, who really cares. And then I decided that I care! And I said to myself, if you want that cookies, you need to get on the exercise bike for at least 10 minutes and earn it. So that's what I did! I was laughing at myself, that I was bargaining exercise for cookies, but my partner actually told me that it was admirable that I was doing it this way; that's big praise from him. I showed up on Tuesday for my WW meeting, feeling pretty good about how I handled my week when all was said and done. But I was unprepared for the result - I lost 2.8 pounds in the week (for a total of 16.8), and I got another 5 pound loss reward (gold star) - I'd been trying to get past that 15 pound hurdle for months - and the best part was that I finally earned my 5% award: once you lose 5% of your starting weight (in my case, 14 pounds), you get a big yellow star with your name on it that they post on the wall of the meeting, and everyone gets to congratulate you for your goal. I don't normally go for these type of corny acknowledgements, but for some reason I felt like I'd won a marathon. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face, and I wouldn't tell anyone why I was so happy, because it felt a little silly. (Plus most people don't even know I'm on a diet.) Even when I generally don't give a crap what people think about me, I guess it's still nice to get a pat on the back and be told "good job!" I honestly get that so rarely, and I think that's what resonated with me so much. Being acknowledged for a good job. We should all get that so much more often than we do. I'm hoping that this is the start in a positive shift that will stay with me, and maybe I will have success this time in losing weight and keeping it off. Maybe the 30th time is the charm. :)

Namaste

2009-03-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this video today. I've always like the concept of Namaste, and this video is a beautiful representation and explanation of what it is. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Think of it as a mini meditation!

Change of Attitude

2009-03-14T23:37:00.000-07:00

One of my coworkers has a sign up on her cubicle wall that says:

I’m not allowed to whine about anything I can change, and since I can always change my attitude, I don’t expect a really hopeless situation in this lifetime.

I first noticed this sign a few months ago, and recently I've been thinking about it a lot. I am the queen of complaining. My best friend once gave me a mug that said "The more you complain, the longer God lets you live." I thought it was funny at the time, but I realize that whining and complaining isn't the most constructive use of my time. It doesn't change anything, it makes anything I'm complaining about more difficult, and it probably doesn't endear me to anyone listening to my whining. Sometimes this lesson comes so easily to me. Many years ago I had a pretty horrible commute to work - 2 hours each way on 3 different trains. I really didn't have a choice to change this commute - I'd either double (or more) my living expenses, or I'd take a 50% paycut. So I decided really early on that I could either continue to bitch about it and let it slowly destroy me, or I could shut up, deal with it, and make the best of it. I chose the latter. But somehow I've forgotten this lesson. I admittedly complain a lot less than I used to, but if you ask me about my job, I will no doubt tell you how much I loathe it. So I found it ironic that when I came online to type this post on this topic, that I noticed the Daily Om over on the right and today's topic is called Giving Your Gifts to the World - Being Happy With Your Job. While I encourage you to read the whole article, here's an excerpt from it:

A job that you enjoy, lets you meet your needs, and allows you to live in accordance with your values will always be more gratifying than a high-status job that you dislike. But while experiencing professional satisfaction can be a vital part of being fulfilled by your work, it is important to remember that it is possible to find happiness in any job. This is because what you do is often less important than how you do it. Your attitude and intention can turn a mediocre job into work that fulfills you because of the way that you approach it. If you do your job well and what you do benefits others, then you are doing work that is making this world a better place.

I'm very grateful that I have this job, given the current economy. But it is admittedly a very dull job that is in no way fulfilling, nor generally challenging. I think the challenge for me in this instance is the internal struggle on how to not let it get to me, how to find fulfillment in it, and to change my own attitude if I can't change the situation. This is definitely not something that can change overnight with some pithy new-agey affirmation and a fake, pasted-on smile. I guess I have to come up with some babysteps and ideas on how to approach this.

Irony of Balance

2009-03-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, so how sad is it that I'm so overwhelmed that I'm thinking of cancelling out on a meditation group to make more time?! I think it's the curse of wanting to take care of others more than ourselves. At least that's how I usually work. Somehow, everyone else is more important than me. And really, I can't take care of anybody else if I don't take care of me. It's like those instructions on the airlines during the safety presentation directing parents need to put oxygen masks on themselves before they put it on their child. Well, I think I need my oxygen mask, and waiting for someone else to clamp it down on my face ain't working so well so far! I've been trying very hard to schedule my time so that I don't get overwhelmed. But every now and then a week pops up where I'm ready to pull my hair out of my head. I'll sit and look at my PDA and see 7 or 8 days in a row of scheduled time, and even if it's fun and enjoyable stuff, it just looks so overwhelming to not have any down time, and that feeling just contributes to my stress. Sunday I had a meeting I had to go to. I really didn't want to go, but I was glad that I did when I got there, because I realized how important the work is that we're doing there as a group. Monday night I had a commitment that is twice a month and can't be cancelled as I'm the facilitator. I'm not going to be facilitating that group after June, but I've got to get through to June. :) Tuesday night I had a healing session scheduled with a client, and while normally I'd just call and say I couldn't do it, the client is getting ready to have surgery, so I felt it was my duty to help her out. But then I wondered what kind of healer I can be if I'm not healing myself by managing my time better. So I can't tell you how thrilled I was when I got her email saying that she needed to cancel. My partner and I went out for chinese food and came home and enjoyed some brainless entertainment of The Biggest Loser. Tonight I have a board meeting that I have to go to - but I'm going directly from the office, to the gym, to some quick dinner to shove in my mouth, and then to the board meeting! Friday night I have tickets to a show I really want to see. So that leaves Thursday with this meditation session. It's expendable. Or is it? The description of the facilitator of the group says that she "gently assists clients in the healing process of opening their hearts and becoming aware of subconscious parts that are blocked or holding onto old beliefs from current or past life experiences." I think of all the things I'm doing this week, this is the most important thing I need to be doing for ME. Sure, the other things might be more important for other reasons, but if I'm not taking care of me and listening to the small voice inside, how on earth can I be there for everyone else? And how can I be a great healer if I can't take care of myself. I've been getting a lot of messages from Spirit lately about the need for me to meditate. Maybe it's time I listen! (And yes, I am going to the meditation group!)

Talk About Needing Balance!

2009-03-07T16:09:00.001-08:00

I've got so much to say, but not nearly enough hours in the day to say it! I'm a little overwhelmed the past few days (which will continue for a short while). So I haven't forgotten about the blog or given up on writing. I just want to give my musings the attention they deserve. Hope to be back soon to do just that!

Day 7: Five Things I Like About Myself

2009-03-05T10:05:00.000-08:00

I didn't forget about Day 7, nor was I trying to avoid it. I just had some computer issues last night and didn't get online to do it. So here's my final installment of Five Things I Like About Myself.

I like that I'm willing to learn from my mistakes
I like my individuality
I like that I have an aptitude for learning anything I put my mind to
I like how deeply I love, even if it puts me at risk for hurting deeply
I like the woman that I have become! I like me!

Thanks for going along for me with this self-esteem exercise. My next step, as per the original exercise is to read the entire list of 35 things to myself while standing in front of a mirror. I can't do that here at the office, but I promise to do that when I get home.

What started out as a very difficult exercise actually became rather fun by the end of the week. I guess there's a lot more I liked about myself than I thought, and I'm glad that a random email I received had opened me up to remembering that!

Body Image Insights

2009-03-03T21:11:00.000-08:00

In one of the comments, Kristina recommended this article from the Washington Post called Watch What You Eat, Yes. But Also Watch What You Say and Do Around Your Daughter. The article talks about mothers passing on negative body image messages to their daughters - essentially that they are more likely to tell their daughters (directly or indirectly) about a body part they hate, as opposed to what they like. This made me think about my own childhood and image messages. I grew to be very tall at a very young age - I was my full adult height of 5'8" by the age of 8. So, obviously, I weighed more than your typical 8 year old. My doctor, however, was very narrow-minded and told my parents that no 8 year old should weigh more than 100 pounds and I needed to diet. In looking back at old photos, I realize that I absolutely was NOT fat. But my parents were the type to believe that doctors were gods, and if a doctor said I was, well he was the expert. So I spent my adolescence being told that I was "less than." That my sister was better than me because she was thinner. Having food taken away from me. An aunt of mine was like a warden - offering dessert-type foods to my siblings and then telling me I couldn't have any because I was too fat. When she bought me my Communion dress, I couldn't have a beautiful bride-like dress like most girls; she bought me a plain, ugly dress, because fat girls couldn't wear a pretty dress like the one I wanted. I did have one male relative (that same aunt's husband) who told me I was beautiful the way I was and to ignore them. But one lone voice wasn't enough to drown out all the people - mostly women - telling me that I was less than everyone else. My mother was overweight, as was my grandmother (my father's mother). They would tell me that they criticized my weight because they cared and they didn't want me to to suffer the same fate as them. But it didn't feel like love, what they did to me. It's really no surprise I grew up to be fat. I'm defiant by nature, and if somebody tells me not to do something then, so help me, I want to do it. So they put me on a diet and I ate anyway. They had me on medication to suppress my appetite. I ate anyway. It took me many years of therapy to overcome the damage they did to my self-esteem and body image. One really cool thing I did several years ago was to create what I call my "inner child bear." I went to the Build A Bear Workshop and bought what I thought was the most beautiful stuffed animal. They sell fancy clothing for the animals. I bought a wedding dress that reminded me of the Communion dress I couldn't have and put it on the bear. And before I stuffed it, I bought a voice-recording box for it. I recorded my own voice telling me that I was beautiful and special and wonderful and that I loved me very much. So now when I feel down, I can hug my bear, squeeze her hand (to activate the voice) and she will repeat those words back to me in my own voice. I think everyone should have an Inner Child Bear! I do not have any children. But when I do have interactions with children, I definitely am mindful of the damage that words can have on someone. Sadly, my mom isn't around to talk about these things now - she died when I was 12. I know she did the best that she could at the time. And I know that I am responsible for what I do with myself now and can't forever blame my parents for it. But it is enlightening to think about the effects we can have on those around us.

Day 6: Five Things I Like About Myself

2009-03-03T21:00:00.000-08:00

Next to last day of my list! Here's today's offering:

I like that I am loyal
I like that I am a dreamer
I like that I am independent
I like that I am stubborn
I like my strong work ethic

Day 5: Five Things I Like About Myself

2009-03-02T21:07:00.000-08:00

I wrote so much other stuff on here today that I almost forgot today's list update!

I like that I can laugh at myself
I like that I'm resilient
I like that I ultimately don't care what people think about me
I like that I am silly
I like that I am introspective

That Which Sustains You

2009-03-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

While I was online posting that last post, I glanced at Today's Daily Om over there on the right and see that today's offering is called That Which Sustains You. I was intrigued, and clicked on it (and I recommend that you read it as well). Part of the entry is a meditation (or prayer, if you prefer) to offer to your home in gratitude:

"Thank you, home, for allowing me to live within your walls. Thank you for giving me shelter, warmth, and security. Thank you for allowing me to live my life in your womb, for staying strong and sturdy, for supporting me, and for your beauty. Thank you, earth, for the land that I live on and for allowing me to steward life with you. Thank you for allowing me to walk upon your soil, cultivate you, and live in partnership with you. Thank you for supporting my home and my family. Thank you, plants, minerals, and animals that dwell on the land that I steward. Thank you for allowing me to experience your beauty, share in your wonderment of life, and for the honor of living with all of you on this earth. Thank you for the wisdom and joy you bring to humanity. I honor you."

I've been trying to live a life filled with more gratitude lately, and you'd think that this meditation would give me that "feel good" feeling about being grateful for my sanctuary. But it actually made me a bit sad. You see, I'm a packrat and a slob. I'm the person who, when growing up, had a filthy bedroom that I got punished for. And I'd swear to my parents that the reason was that I just didn't have enough room. I grew up, moved into an apartment, and still didn't have "enough room" and it was a mess. I now rent a house with my partner and have more than enough room. And yet, still not "enough room" and the place is atrocious. If I didn't have a church group meeting in my living room twice a month, God knows what it would it look like. (And that group is the thing that I am dropping as mentioned in an earlier post about Priorities and Decisions, so look out!) Reading this meditation made me realize that I don't honor the place I live in. I take it for granted. And an energy worker I know had mentioned how she couldn't work in clutter because it didn't allow the energy to flow correctly. Clutter just made everything stagnate and be "stuck." Maybe this is why I'm "stuck" as well. I guess I don't often do anything about it because of what I was talking about in the preceding blog entry - that I don't have time to do it all, so I do nothing. Maybe I need to re-frame that, and take baby-steps to changing my situation. Perhaps I'll start doing that meditation - I can try to "fake it until I make it" and the more I feel gratitude for my surroundings, the more I will want to honor it.

Doing Something

2009-03-02T11:32:00.001-08:00

I'm reading a friend's blog and found these words on one of her earliest entries, by Edward Everett Hale:

"I am only one, But still I am one. I cannot do everything, But still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything I will not refuse to do the something that I can do."

It's very easy for me to occasionally have an "all or nothing" attitude about things, and sometimes not start something because I can't finish it. But this reminds me that sometimes the one small thing that we can do is enough. Maybe it's all I was meant to do to begin with, to give someone else the opportunity to finish it. After all, we're really not all alone in the world.

Reconciling Size Acceptance and Weight Loss

2009-03-01T20:05:00.000-08:00

I've been overweight for about 25 years now. Right now I'm 275 pounds, down from an all-time high of 295. That means I need to lose over 100 pounds to reach my Weight Watchers goal. It's a bit overwhelming when I look at it that way. About 20 years ago I happened upon the "Size Acceptance" Movement. Most overweight people in our society are told that they are unacceptable. Most are also putting their life on hold until they reach that miraculous moment that they've lost the weight. And for many, that day will never come. So they spend their lives striving for it, but not living a full life. That always made me sad, and when I found Size Acceptance, it was something I latched onto. I became very confident about myself. I refuse to apologize for my obesity. There is nothing I will not do because of it, unless (of course) there is a true size limitation. I wear bathing suits and sleeveless shirts and shorts in summer, and if somebody is offended, don't look. It was very freeing to have this attitude. Actually, the email lists I was on (and facilitated one for many years) about size acceptance would usually mandate that you NEVER talk about losing weight. They were a little too militant about being against diets, in my opinion. The problem though, is that this attitude of self-acceptance doesn't do much for motivation to lose any weight. I want to lose weight not because I am disgusted with myself, but because I have mobility issues that will be helped by it. They're not mobility issues caused by my weight, but are not helped by it. Life is admittedly more difficult being this large - having to buy two airline tickets, having less of a choice of clothing to buy, having to worry about whether I'll fit in a seat at a particular theatre, etc. My partner loves me as I am - and for that I am grateful - so there is no shame in my being overweight. I love who I am too! When I go to the doctor, my bloodwork is totally normal. My blood pressure is normal - in fact, low. I exercise regularly and love it. So my doctor doesn't even hassle me about weight. She said she wishes that more of her thin patients were as healthy. On the other hand, two of my 3 younger siblings have been diagnosed with diabetes. Is that my destiny if I don't do anything about my weight? So this is my conundrum. While I don't believe in shame-based change in anyone's life, how do you get motivated to change something that on one level you're okay with? I've joined Weight Watchers 30 times now. Seriously, 30 times. I've lost 50 pounds twice on Weight Watchers, and subsequently gained it all back. I've lost 50 pounds on Optifast, the same liquid diet that Oprah did (disclaimer: I did it before Oprah did). Gained that back too. Am I destined to live the rest of my life in this large, fat body? (I don't have any charge over the word "fat" - it's factual; I'm fat. :) What will it take to get me to finally lose weight and keep it off? And how will I feel about it (and myself) if I don't? I don't really have an answer to any of this right now. I just wanted to put it out there since I'm thinking about it a lot lately. I'm sure I'll be trying to sort this out here another time. Thanks for listening.

Day 4: Five Things I Like About Myself

2009-03-01T19:33:00.000-08:00

Thanks, Kristina, for your comments in my one of my "Five Things" threads. It really made me think about this, and my resistance to the exercise. I think a great many of us are trained to not want to brag about ourselves. And making a list of 35 things that I like about myself feels like bragging. But there's really nothing wrong with putting out there things that I like about myself. It's not like I'm saying I'm better than anybody else. So I don't so much have an issue coming up with items, as actually sharing them out loud. I think it's important that we not be ashamed of who we are and the gifts that we possess and share. Today's list was admittedly much easier once I came to that realization.

I like the way I write
I like the muscle definition that’s starting to show in my arms, the more I work out
I like that I am kind
I like that I am loving
I like that I am self-aware, even if I choose to ignore it sometimes :)

The Chi Machine Adventure

2009-02-28T10:57:00.001-08:00

At the advice of one of my alternative practitioners, I recently bought a Chi Machine. I'd heard about these years ago and was interested in one. But I hesitated to do so because one of the things they advertised about it was that using it for 15 minutes was like exercising for an hour or something like that, and how you could lose weight just lying on your back and passively exercising. To me, that sounds like a scam, which made me doubt the product. And when you're looking at a $400 product, that's a lot of money to spend when you don't know anyone who owns one. You can't believe everything you read on the internet, especially in testimonials! So my practitioner suggested I get one because it would help balance out my meridian system. And in reading more about it, the reason it says it's like exercise is because it oxygenates the blood, the way exercise does. I wasn't going to buy it to replace my gym membership, and I trust the woman who suggested I get one, so I decided to go for it. I found a good price on eBay for a new one - this guy sells them at various prices, but offering "best offer" as an option. In researching them I realized it costs $480, but if you are a distributor and buy in bulk, you can get them for $370. So I offered $370 and won the auction. That's a lot better than $480, huh? (If you should decide to get one, please only get this brand - there are a lot of imitations on the market that cost half the amount, but don't work the same way, according to my practitioner, and can actually be harmful.) My first hurdle is that I need to get down on the floor to use it. I've got various mobility issues, chronic pain, all kinds of stuff that's kept me from getting down on the floor for many years. To be honest, I couldn't even imagine the process of how to get on and off the floor, it had been so long. I know that sounds funny, but it's true. So I asked my partner to show me how he gets on the floor, and I devised this half-assed method of sitting on a chair, putting a cushion under where my knee was, and finding a way to kneel on to the floor. Wow, did that hurt - my poor knees aren't used to having all this weight kneeling on them. So I get on the floor and use my chi machine. I had used the chi machine once before and liked the sensation of moving back and forth. I felt like it was gently massaging my spine, and helping to loosen up the tight muscles in my low back. I enjoyed it. But now I had to get off the floor. I swear it took me 15 minutes to accomplish this, and at some point I was in tears, fighting with my partner over my doing it "wrong" and starting to wonder if I'd have to live the rest of my life in the middle of my living room floor. It was really a humiliating experience. It really shouldn't be this hard. I had a lot of fear, which wasn't helping at all. Somehow I figured out how to push myself up using the ottoman and I stood once again! Now I really felt like I'd had a work out, from all that fighting to get up! Not really the most relaxing session as a result. Well, I brought the chi machine down to my office and the next day decided to try it again. I've been using it 15 minutes a day for about 2 weeks now. I've actually gotten much quicker at getting on and off the floor. It's still pretty sad to watch I'm sure, but I'm accomplishing it. And I've come to really love that 15 minute break from the world. I'm using it as meditation time, something I don't do enough (okay, at all). I reflect on all that I'm grateful for, how this time is helping my health and body and spirit. My kitty looks at me like I'm half crazed, but fortunately hasn't figured out that while watching my stomach jiggle like a bowl of jello (while on the machine) it isn't something to chase and attack! I've been using the Chi Machine first thing when I get home from work. I feel like it's shaking the work day off of me and starting my personal evening time off in a place of balance. I'm really glad I spent the money on me and made an investment in my health.

Day 3: Five Things I Like About Myself

2009-02-28T10:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, let's see if I can come up with 5 more things today:

I like my shoulders
I like my tiny wrists, which seem very out of place on such a big body. :)
I like that I can lift 80 pounds on a leg-press machine at the gym because it makes me feel strong
I like my green eyes
I like that I am curious

Day 2: Five Things I Like About Myself

2009-02-27T10:35:00.000-08:00

I've actually been agonizing over this. How on earth can I come up with 35 things in one week that I like about myself? Then I think that it's sad that someone thinks they can't like 35 things about his/herself. Maybe doing this will help me like myself that much better. So, let's see what I can come up with today:

I like my tiny nose (that almost everyone in my family has)
I like that I can cook creatively
I like that I am a healer (I started to say "studying to be..." but then realized I've already am one - I'm just learning to harness it better!)
I like that I am sensitive
I like that I can totally zone-out from time to time

Okay, that wasn't so bad. How's your list coming along?

Five Things I Like About Myself

2009-02-26T12:45:00.000-08:00

I get a daily email from Daily Om (I now have a link to them on the right side of my page), and this was today's, which really spoke to me.

Five Things A Self-Esteem Exercise Our primary relationship in life is with our selves. No one else goes through every experience in life with us. We are our one permanent companion, yet we are often our worst critic. To remind ourselves of our magnificence, we can do this exercise: “Five Things I Like About Myself.” Begin by writing down at least five things that you like about yourself. This is not the time to be modest. If you are having trouble coming up with a total of five items, you know that this exercise can really benefit you. Be sure to include more than your physical attributes on your list, since our bodies are only part of who we are. If you are still struggling with what to include on your list, think of what you like about your favorite people, because these traits are probably qualities that you possess too. Another way to complete your list is to think of five things you don’t like about yourself and find something about these traits that you can like. Continue this process for a week, thinking of five new things you like about yourself everyday. At the end of the week, read the list aloud to yourself while standing in front of a mirror. Instead of looking for flaws to fix, allow the mirror to reflect your magnificence. You may feel silly about standing in front of a mirror and reading aloud a list of your admirable attributes, but it might just bring a smile to your face and change the way you see yourself. Remember, it is when you feel the most resistant that this exercise can benefit you the most. Because we are constantly looking at the world, instead of looking at ourselves, we don’t often see what’s magnificent about ourselves that others do. When we take the time to experience ourselves the way we would experience someone we love and admire, we become our best companion and supporter on life’s journey.

Sounded really easy until I decided to think about what those 5 things would be. And then I got overwhelmed when I thought about coming up with 5 things a day for an entire week. Are there actually 35 things I like about myself? Let's find out. Here's my list for today:

I like the way the grey in my hair has grown in and glistens in the sun
I like that I am compassionate
I like that I was brave enough to move 3,000 miles from my hometown to move to Seattle
I like that I am intelligent
I like my sarcastic sense of humor

Wow, that was hard. But in a good way. Yes, it would've been much easier to come up with 5 things I didn't like. But that just feels wrong - I want to focus on the positive. Looks like a good lesson in personal growth for the week.

Decisions and Priorities

2009-02-25T13:22:00.000-08:00

One thing I've come to realize is that much of the reason I am out of balance is my own fault. Sure, I can blame other people/things for my being overwhelmed, or why I don't get stuff taken care of. But if I'm truly honest with myself, it's more a factor of my not making myself a priority. Codependence will do that to you - and wanting to take care of everyone else under the sun except for me. As if I'm not important enough. I've been pretty involved with my church the last year. I don't have a lot of money to contribute, so I give my time where I can. Except that I've been giving more time than I can. Well, in reality, I'm not. But when you add it up to all the other things I want and/or need to do in a day, it gets overwhelming. So I had to sit and prioritize things. I have two major responsibilities with my church. It's coming up on the time that I needed to make a decision if I would continue them. I really struggled with it. A dear friend, who is a life coach, sat with me and unexpectedly did a brief coaching session which meant the world to me. She asked me to consider what I was getting out of those activities that was truly important to me. And if I didn't have those in my life anymore, where would I get that from? That's a really good question, and one I hadn't thought of. I guess that's why one goes to a life coach - to hear the tough questions that we can't think of on our own or avoid thinking about because then we'd have to think about them. :) I'm not used to sitting and thinking about what's best for me. So, I thought about it for a few days and made the decision to drop one of the activities. I am really at peace with the decision I made. At first I felt guilty, and that I was letting people down. Then I questioned whether it was the right decision. After all, the one I kept was the more intellectual/administrative task, where the one I am dropping is the more spiritual task. But I realize that's not the only way to feed my spirit. And in thinking about it some more, it probably wasn't the best way either. Feeding my spirit shouldn't be an obligation I need to uphold, but something that speaks to me, touches me, nourishes me. I guess this is one of my lessons in balance. Closing one door so another one may open. Now let's see where that door leads!

Holding My Breath and the Law of Attraction

2009-02-25T11:05:00.000-08:00

I seem to have a really good track record of derailing myself from my best intentions. For instance, yesterday I was running late for my Weight Watchers meeting, and I didn't want to miss it since I've been struggling a bit (more on that another time). So I raced over there, really, really fast. It's about 1/2 a mile from my office, and I got there in a little over 10 minutes. That's fast for me, the typical stroller. So later on that day I realized that walking that fast, and all the pounding on the sidewalk, flared up my plantar fasciitis in my right foot. Oh crap. I've been out of work on disability from time to time over the years because of it. I could barely walk or do basic functions.

So my mind starts to wander about all the worst-case scenarios this could turn into. I'm going to be on disability and unable to pay my bills. I won't be able to go to the gym and will have trouble losing weight. I am flaring my chronic pain again, which will make me want to eat comfort food and then I'll gain the weight back, especially without the gym. I could go on and on. I was in tears last night over it. I tried stretching my foot, icing it, taking tons of Aleve. Went to bed, praying that I'd wake up and it would be better. It wasn't.

I hobbled to work after taking more Aleve. I sat here, feeling sorry for myself, holding my breath about what was going to happen. Then I remembered Law of Attraction. It's something I've been trying to work on, and something easy to forget, so it seems. I get these daily emails I'm usually "too busy" to read, but for some reason I opened it today.

Those that are succeeding and are thrilled and joyful in the unfolding will often tell you, "I've dreamed this since I was little. I imagined it, I pretended it, I used to practice with the hairbrush pretending it was a microphone." Purity is the alignment of energy. Doesn't matter what anybody else thinks about anything. It only matters what you think about it.

So I started thinking about this, which turned into thinking about how strong and powerful I am, and how successful I am (going to be) at losing weight, and how I am going to be fine.

It's not entirely gone, but my foot is definitely better. Sure, it's probably the Aleve. But I can't help but think that the Law of Attraction helped in this case. Maybe I shouldn't "forget" to open those emails after all.

Balance

2009-02-24T20:54:00.000-08:00

Balance is my theme for 2009. I've been out-of-balance in all aspects of my life for quite some time, and it shows. Being in my mid 40s, I've lived a lot of life, and I expect to continue for a lot longer. I've also learned an awful lot. I know and believe that I have the potential for greatness. I want and need to make my health and well-being a priority in my life, and this blog will document that journey towards wholeness. I am glad that you are along for that journey; welcome!